Writing What Is Me

Archive for the tag “personal”

Sex Reality

I touched myself to the thought of you.

I could feel you inside me, growing with each thrust.

I relish in the moment that has yet to exist.

Simply, in my mind, it is perfect.

Reality may ruin the greatest sex I have ever had.

Or perhaps.

Take me to a place that only lovers find.

When the universe and bodies intertwine exploding into galaxies.

And black holes that pull us apart.


Draw us close.

Sex with you will be a drug overdose.

I welcome it.

I plan to die in this land of dreams and pleasure.

Repeating your name.


And ever.

The Assholes of 2012

So, as it is at 2012’s end, I find myself reflecting on the men who came into my life to crush my hopes and dreams. Lol. Some of them did but others were just there to pass the time. Thinking back on it, this year has been really crappy with guys. They’ve all been jerks, which says a lot about where I was at in 2012. So, lets get started shall we?

1) Jermaine- He was a surprise. I met him at work, which, is where I meet most of the guys I date because I spend the majority of my life at work. A drummer and a man of God and black. Which if you know me, the possiblity of me dating a black guy is slim to none. Not quite sure why that is but it is what it is. Anyway, he was a sweet guy. Had his life together and offered to pay off my school debt, which, I stupidly declined. He was my Valentine and he bought me roses and a bottle of Verdi. The Verdi made me angry because, I am not that type of girl. Obviously, he did not know me that well. We became a couple very quickly. I felt pressure to be in it but I knew I wasn’t fully over my ex yet but I did it anyway. I was going through a rough time and he said something to me that was hurtful and I got mad at him for it. He proceeded to not talk to me for 3 days because of it. Needless to say, we did not last. You will not call yourself a grown man (32) and act like a damn child when you don’t like what someone has to say instead of talking about it. My one regret, not letting him pay for school. May sound gold diggerish but it is what it is. The reason why I didn’t was because I did not want to feel like I owed him anything. So in that regard, I am happy. Not about that bill though.

2) Chef Brian- He had me the moment he smiled at me. We worked together which was all types of bad. He made me laugh and was a good guy for the most part. He was in his 40s and divorced with 3 kids. I was basically a passing because we actually had our first date and slept together while he still had a girlfriend, which happens to be the story of my life. Not my best moment, but I’ve grown from all of that. We were good and he taught me some valuable things. He just couldn’t get over our age difference. It was a 16 year age difference so it is understandable. We had fun though. He cooked for me and took me on my first motorcycle ride. He was also a bad boy and played me. We just seemed to slowly fade away especially after I found out he was still with his girlfriend when he told me he broke up with her. Yeah. He was kind of a shitty person but so was I. Shrug.

3) Joseph- This man right here has been the topic of conversation on this blog before. This man is everything that I thought I wanted in a guy. 6’3, perfect smile, amazing body, smart, driven, great in bed. I mean the list continues. Only one problem, he is a jerk. A fucking asshole to be exact. I remember the first time I saw him. I had no idea who he was but we smiled at each other and in my head, “He is really attractive. Too bad he is a tourist.” To my surprise, he was not a tourist. He was actually the Marketing Manager for a company that the company I work for interacts with on a regular basis. I was on it.  Two weeks passed between that initial meeting but I made sure to give him my number when the time was right. A few more weeks passed and then it just so happened that he lost something for work and I helped him find it. That was my in. From that moment we flirted and had exchanges. He had me. I had mini freak outs when I saw him. Sprung was not the word. Til this day, he still makes me weak. Anyway, one day we finally had our outing and we grabbed drinks at a bar. He had just moved to town a month ago so he had yet to find an apartment. He was staying at one of the company’s properties. The bar we were at happened to be across the street. When we finished our drinks, he asked if I would like to come up and then the most unexpected thing happened. Might have been the best sex of 2012. Though, the next day was sexual remorse central. I really liked this one and then that happened. He was a lot stronger than I thought and his advance caught me off guard but I liked it. That was the first and last time his lips touched mine. He owes me dinner and a movie. Maybe I’ll actually get that in 2013. After that, we had sporadic encounters but then he turned into asshole guy and being flaky with plans. I was devafuckingstated. I mean I cried. I was heartbroken. I didn’t understand my feelings since, you know, we weren’t even together. I was up and down in my mood for weeks and then one night, sitting in my apartment, by myself, I realized something. I was sitting at home sulking when this guy could give two shits about my motherfucking feelings. I told myself that I needed to start living my life. So, I did. I joined OkCupid and started taking swim lessons immediately. The funny thing about OkCupid is that you will find people on there that you would never think would be on there. He was one of them. Smh.

4) OkCupid dates- Nothing really important here but it was fun to finally go out and have fun without all of that pressure. There are a lot of creeps on that site but there are a few decent guys. I had a few good first dates but never a second date and that is alright. Most of the guys on OkCupid are looking for a chick to sleep with. Nothing new there. Lol.

5) The Other Joseph otherwise known as Joe- He was one of the first people to message me on OKC but it took us forever to finally have our first date. I kept getting excuse after excuse but when we finally met up, we just clicked. He listened and loved eating as much as I did. Lol. We were good. The only problem was that his job was his life and he let it get in the way of his happiness. I would have been with him but I can’t compete with someone’s job. My only problem with him currently is that he still has some of my things after helping me move. Needless to say, I’m not happy about that. He was an asshole but not on purpose. He fell into it. Either way still an asshole.

6) Matt- The guy that just broke my heart by breaking up with me days before Christmas. I struggle with this break up because even though it was just three months, I loved this one. I thought I was going to marry him. Everyone did for that matter. Even him but then one day he realized that the things that we wanted were not the same and broke up with me. I mean, he was the sweetest guy and helped me whenever I needed it. He sucked at making me feel better when I was down, when I look back at it. Though, one day when I had a crappy day at work he bought me orange roses and walked me home from work. He had me. Sex was great and we never fought until Christmas time. I actually don’t like Christmas and I’m not sure why but maybe because last time I got my heart-broken it was around Christmas. Go figure. I love this person and I miss him. I want him back in my world. I want him to call me and say he was stupid and that he misses me. Yes, I do realize that a few days ago I wrote, Optimism Makes This Easy, which I still believe most of those words. The majority of them. I also understand his reasoning. You can not stay with someone who you know you can never make happy because it is not who you are or what you want. I can’t hate him. I never will. I’m happy we happened and I hope he thinks the same things.We had so many more memories to make. We still can.

My faith in men has been surely tested this year. All of them have done something shitty to me and turned out to be assholes. We are who we attract so I can only be mad at myself. I’ve found myself to be notches in many belts this year. However, I forgive every last one of them. 2012 was my karma. 2013 will be much better because I proclaim it to be. Will I find the love of my life so to speak next year? Maybe. Only if I’m ready. Until then, I’ll have a right on time.

Optimism Makes This Easy

So, as most of you may know, I was dumped days before Christmas by someone who I thought I was going to spend possibly forever with. We talked marriage and kids and then out of the blue, “I don’t think we are good for each other.” Ouch. To say the least, my Christmas sucked. I cried for three days but then I realized something. I was not crying because our relationship was over. There were many obstacles we would of had to get over if we were ever going to be together. I had my doubts of course but I worked through them because I thought he was worth it. I gave more of myself than I normally would and it lead me here. Which, was the hurtful part. Giving so much of myself to someone who I thought was worth it. I really thought he was worth it. He did things for me that I had never experienced. He always opened my door and was a gentleman. There was just one problem, that apparently was not who he naturally was. He did all of those things for me because that’s what I wanted. Thanks. I guess. Which is probably why the breakup came out of nowhere, but, my intuition was trying to warn me all along. I just ignored it. Go figure.

Even though this guy did the shittiest thing that any person has ever done to me, I still forgive him. I don’t hate him, I never will. It’s not destroying my view of love or of Christmas for that matter. Why do you ask? Because I am optimistic. More optimistic than most people. I see the good in people, no matter what they do. Everyone has good in them but it needs to be nurtured in order to grow. I see the potential that others overlook and I want to help it blossom into greatness. That’s just who I am. I will fall in love again and get excited for sharing Christmas with another person and I won’t think of this shitty moment. I will be filled with love and joy and giving. And I wish the same for him. Do I think that he is hurt by what he did? Absolutely not. Do I think that he still cares or loves me? Absolutely not. And that’s okay. My friends, coworkers, employees all believe that in the near future he will contact me and want to get back together. Do I want him back? Absolutely not. Do I miss him? Of course. I mean, we were supposed to see the Dali Lama together damnit! Which is upsetting because, it’s the Fucking Dali Lama! I digressed.

I consulted the IChing and it is always spot on with its wisdom. That brought me more inner peace than I thought it would. Basically, I needed to have a shock to my system to remind me of something, to bring me to where I’m supposed to be. Losing yourself in a relationship happens and I was doing that. I see that. I wasn’t doing what I needed to do because of the energy this person was feeding me. Losing sight of the most important things because someone else “took” their place. I found myself being angry for no reason and not understanding why. Am I saying it was his fault? No, I’m not. Do I think it influenced me? Yes, I do. Either way, I’m better off. He’s better off. I’m optimistic about my future and what is to come. There will be a day when our paths cross again and I hope it is positive. 2012 might not of ended in the way I envisioned and I’m sure 2013 won’t either but what is to come is beautiful and I can’t wait to see it. 🙂


I think I just told him I love him.


Fuck You Falling! Again!

I can honestly say this just might be a Halloween to remember. Not for any good reason, but because I put myself out there and then he tells me his fears. He’s not sure if he wants to be with one person. I mean that’s cool but if you don’t want to be with just one person, why in the hell would you agree to be someone’s boyfriend. And exclusive at that. I’m just unsure of how to handle this. The only thing I can do is withdraw completely. I’m not entirely emotionally invested but I was getting there. I mean, of course I have fears about the future and whether or not we should continue but I throw caution to the wind because I believe in “love”. I believe in doing things that scare you, that challenge you, that make you into a better person. However, I do have a tendency to be hasty about things because I am a in the moment type of person. I’m trying not to be that person today. I just need time. He obviously needs time. Fuck. I hate this. This is why I’m not a fan of fucking falling!

Fuck Falling!

So that feeling you get when you realize, “hey, I really like this person” and then the Oh shit! look appears. That’s where I’m at and I’m not here for it. I don’t like it. It changes everything. You don’t have to let it change everything but it does. It’s the first sign of hey I’m falling. I’m not a fan of falling because that leaves only one thing left to be done; for him to drop me on my ass.

I’m losing my best resource

There is a moment upon waking when you recall what makes you happy, smile, and get out of bed. Today, I realized, I’m not happy. I’m downright miserable. I’m slowly losing my best resource, my mind. One of my best assets has been on overload due to work. That’s what I do, I work. I work everyday at least 9-10 hours a day. If I’m lucky I have an off day but I’m so exhausted that I don’t want to do anything. It’s frustrating. I don’t think I work terribly long hours but the thought of being so overwhelmed with work duties that I can’t get my mind to focus on what I NEED to be doing is depressing.
Yes, I am always writing but I can write more, feel more, be more. All and all I need to FEEL again. I’ve been so numb to life, so angry. The need to get away is strong but certain things don’t allow me to flee. I need to find myself, again. Maybe it is just the writers plight to be unstable. It does create for great moments and characters. Our actions and words influence more than we know. I have to prepare accordingly. November is coming and I have to be ready. NaNoWriMo is on the horizon and my novel must be completed. My greatest resource is in need of a jump start but I’m still unsure of how to do it. Either way, I have to find my motivation because I’m tired of disappointing myself.

Lost in Textlation

Writing and pouring out my soul to you on this damn computer, its light shining bright. Too bright. My soul is flowing in these keys with every word that is formed. I know this is the right thing to do. The only way to tell you how I feel. Loving you has never been enough but always been too much. You know that though, or at least I hope you do. All things written should not be new to you but a revelation deep down that you already knew. Finding the right words have never been easy; it isn’t still. However, this can’t go on forever. Love has never been as forthcoming but words to paper flow effortlessly as though I have been destined to do this. Sadly, I know no matter what I say, it is all lost, out of context. Text can never replace the truth flowing from my succulent lips that you long to kiss. But. I’ll do it anyway because the typing of these keys are like music to my fingers, tingling and coursing through every part of me to make it just right no matter how one may interpret, even the one it is intended for. Let me begin.

I hate everything about you for reasons I’m not even sure I can explain. This isn’t that, “Oh I hate you because I love you so much” hate. No, I truly hate you. Bringing to me a world of pain and love that I have never longed for, that I crave to be rid of. A monster was created because of the love that you gave me. I understand, you only gave how you knew but you’re giving was too much and never enough. A hopeless dichotomy. I don’t just blame you, I blame me too. Hating you is so much easier than loving you ever could be.  I created a path of destruction running from the truth. Hurting you so that you would finally be man enough to let me go. Though, you never did or never could. You loved me too much but still your love was never enough. But you already knew that, most of this you already do. Let me tell you something new.

Before we ever became an us, I hated you for not being able to tell me the truth. I knew from the first moment we were together you liked me but, you made it more difficult than it ever had to be. I was used over and over again but really I wasn’t. I felt that way because you couldn’t express yourself when it was so easy for me to. Not just with you but with everyone. I’m forward, I know. I will tell anyone how I feel without a care simply because I don’t give a fuck.

I’ve gotten off track. Let me regain my flow.

I told you things I never meant when they first left my lips because simply I did not know how to handle it. I love you. Three little words that save life’s yet destroys egos and homes but comes when people mean them the least. Yes, the least. Never the most. Can you still follow my text or is it to the point of not making sense? Textulating is what I’m doing but I know that is lost on you. You never could follow my train of thought. Maybe that’s why we never worked or maybe because when I wanted to take you home, you never wanted to already be there waiting for me. When you finally realized it was me that you wanted to take home, I was already gone. As the saying goes, the ones who love us the least are the ones we would die for. You were that for me and I was that for you. We both died when we told ourselves the truth. Always lost in textlation, meaning never truly coming through.

Raw Sex

Blanket exposure that has me naked, exploding with delight

Fire in the background reaching for me to allow for my wood to ignite

Raw down to the inner depths of being; searching for that internal fight to begin. 

Tingling senses of overwhelming pleasure are gaining control

Fists of flying rage are making an edge to be on top

Choking, biting and scratching intertwine with kissing, caressing, and passion. 

Free from those chains of hurt and anger 

Bliss is on the horizon.




Lyrical Pain

When you just want them to be somebody that you used to know
But then you realize you want to be the best they ever had
Not really intending to brag
You’re just saving the best for last
Instead it turns into a lesson learned where tears run but they will dry on their own
Fading to black has you caught up believing that there is nobody but you who can love you like you love
You’ve lost in the game of love always bringing you into the blue when you search to be free
Relapsing melts your heart to stone and you finally see that nothing compares to me.

Post Navigation