LisaMore

Writing What Is Me

One Night Stands and Heartbreaks

So, I’ve been m.i.a over here on Lisa More lately because I’ve been working on a project that is near and dear to me. One Night Stands and Heartbreaks has finally started to take shape. I know I mentioned that it was a book in my 2013 In The House! post but I changed my mind for many reasons. One of them is that I would like to have an on going dialogue about sex, love, and relationships. Lisa More is more personal, whereas, ONSAH is more general. So, I ask if you like my writing here, you go follow my site and engage in conversation with me. One Night Stands and Heartbreaks. Get into it yall!

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Sex Reality

I touched myself to the thought of you.

I could feel you inside me, growing with each thrust.

I relish in the moment that has yet to exist.

Simply, in my mind, it is perfect.

Reality may ruin the greatest sex I have ever had.

Or perhaps.

Take me to a place that only lovers find.

When the universe and bodies intertwine exploding into galaxies.

And black holes that pull us apart.

Yet.

Draw us close.

Sex with you will be a drug overdose.

I welcome it.

I plan to die in this land of dreams and pleasure.

Repeating your name.

Forever.

And ever.

2013 In The House!

2013 is here! It is scary and exciting at the same time. I haven’t really taken any stock in new year’s resolutions in the past but I think I am going to actually give them a for real shot this 2013. The thing about resolutions and the reason why most people fail is because they are too vague. I can’t just say I am going to workout more in 2013. I will surely fail. It needs to be a real attainable goal. So, that’s what I’m doing. Throughout the year, I will write about how close I am to accomplishing or have accomplished my resolutions in 2013. Let’s all be an encouragement to each other and get started!

1) Be able to run 20 miles by the end of the year- I have never been one to run not unless I have to. I ran track in high school but goodness, that was almost 10 years ago. Yikes! So, I signed up for the Color Me Rad 5k this year and I have until May 11th to get my ass in shape to do this thing! I’ve convinced some friends to do it with me so I’m looking forward to being in shape and running for the fun of it! Plus, that rush you feel after having a great run is like ecstasy.

2) Finish writing One Night Stands and Heartbreaks- I have so many different books I’ve started but never ever finished. One Night Stands is the book that I revisit after every heartbreak and I need to finally finish it. Heartbreak or no heartbreak. What I envision it to be is the book that people pick up when they are hurt or when they need a good laugh about relationships. Just a fun read that is enlightening at the same time. I also want to be on the New York Times Bestsellers List by the time I’m 30. That is not that far away so it’s now or never.

3) Have an agent by the end of the year- I dream about being a published author but I have yet to take any steps to actually getting there. I always let other things get in the way. Making excuses, like “I’m too busy” or “I’m tired”. Well, no more. Once book one is done, then the hard work really begins. Securing an agent is step one so this is the year to make it happen.

4) Participate in the Homeric Writers’ Retreat and Workshop- I have been in love with Greece for the longest and have been itching to go visit for a long time. This retreat is the excuse I need to make it there. The only thing stopping me from making it happen is money but I am going to do whatever I can to make this the year of spoken dreams.

5) Finish paying off college- I’ve been out of school for way too long to still have to pay back these people and I resolve to have it done by the end of this year. I actually would like to go to grad school at some point so this is a must.

I probably have more resolutions but these are the most important to me. I could add win the lottery but I resolve for that to happen every year. lol. The year is always what you make it and I affirm all of these things to be true. Let’s get started!

The Assholes of 2012

So, as it is at 2012’s end, I find myself reflecting on the men who came into my life to crush my hopes and dreams. Lol. Some of them did but others were just there to pass the time. Thinking back on it, this year has been really crappy with guys. They’ve all been jerks, which says a lot about where I was at in 2012. So, lets get started shall we?

1) Jermaine- He was a surprise. I met him at work, which, is where I meet most of the guys I date because I spend the majority of my life at work. A drummer and a man of God and black. Which if you know me, the possiblity of me dating a black guy is slim to none. Not quite sure why that is but it is what it is. Anyway, he was a sweet guy. Had his life together and offered to pay off my school debt, which, I stupidly declined. He was my Valentine and he bought me roses and a bottle of Verdi. The Verdi made me angry because, I am not that type of girl. Obviously, he did not know me that well. We became a couple very quickly. I felt pressure to be in it but I knew I wasn’t fully over my ex yet but I did it anyway. I was going through a rough time and he said something to me that was hurtful and I got mad at him for it. He proceeded to not talk to me for 3 days because of it. Needless to say, we did not last. You will not call yourself a grown man (32) and act like a damn child when you don’t like what someone has to say instead of talking about it. My one regret, not letting him pay for school. May sound gold diggerish but it is what it is. The reason why I didn’t was because I did not want to feel like I owed him anything. So in that regard, I am happy. Not about that bill though.

2) Chef Brian- He had me the moment he smiled at me. We worked together which was all types of bad. He made me laugh and was a good guy for the most part. He was in his 40s and divorced with 3 kids. I was basically a passing because we actually had our first date and slept together while he still had a girlfriend, which happens to be the story of my life. Not my best moment, but I’ve grown from all of that. We were good and he taught me some valuable things. He just couldn’t get over our age difference. It was a 16 year age difference so it is understandable. We had fun though. He cooked for me and took me on my first motorcycle ride. He was also a bad boy and played me. We just seemed to slowly fade away especially after I found out he was still with his girlfriend when he told me he broke up with her. Yeah. He was kind of a shitty person but so was I. Shrug.

3) Joseph- This man right here has been the topic of conversation on this blog before. This man is everything that I thought I wanted in a guy. 6’3, perfect smile, amazing body, smart, driven, great in bed. I mean the list continues. Only one problem, he is a jerk. A fucking asshole to be exact. I remember the first time I saw him. I had no idea who he was but we smiled at each other and in my head, “He is really attractive. Too bad he is a tourist.” To my surprise, he was not a tourist. He was actually the Marketing Manager for a company that the company I work for interacts with on a regular basis. I was on it.  Two weeks passed between that initial meeting but I made sure to give him my number when the time was right. A few more weeks passed and then it just so happened that he lost something for work and I helped him find it. That was my in. From that moment we flirted and had exchanges. He had me. I had mini freak outs when I saw him. Sprung was not the word. Til this day, he still makes me weak. Anyway, one day we finally had our outing and we grabbed drinks at a bar. He had just moved to town a month ago so he had yet to find an apartment. He was staying at one of the company’s properties. The bar we were at happened to be across the street. When we finished our drinks, he asked if I would like to come up and then the most unexpected thing happened. Might have been the best sex of 2012. Though, the next day was sexual remorse central. I really liked this one and then that happened. He was a lot stronger than I thought and his advance caught me off guard but I liked it. That was the first and last time his lips touched mine. He owes me dinner and a movie. Maybe I’ll actually get that in 2013. After that, we had sporadic encounters but then he turned into asshole guy and being flaky with plans. I was devafuckingstated. I mean I cried. I was heartbroken. I didn’t understand my feelings since, you know, we weren’t even together. I was up and down in my mood for weeks and then one night, sitting in my apartment, by myself, I realized something. I was sitting at home sulking when this guy could give two shits about my motherfucking feelings. I told myself that I needed to start living my life. So, I did. I joined OkCupid and started taking swim lessons immediately. The funny thing about OkCupid is that you will find people on there that you would never think would be on there. He was one of them. Smh.

4) OkCupid dates- Nothing really important here but it was fun to finally go out and have fun without all of that pressure. There are a lot of creeps on that site but there are a few decent guys. I had a few good first dates but never a second date and that is alright. Most of the guys on OkCupid are looking for a chick to sleep with. Nothing new there. Lol.

5) The Other Joseph otherwise known as Joe- He was one of the first people to message me on OKC but it took us forever to finally have our first date. I kept getting excuse after excuse but when we finally met up, we just clicked. He listened and loved eating as much as I did. Lol. We were good. The only problem was that his job was his life and he let it get in the way of his happiness. I would have been with him but I can’t compete with someone’s job. My only problem with him currently is that he still has some of my things after helping me move. Needless to say, I’m not happy about that. He was an asshole but not on purpose. He fell into it. Either way still an asshole.

6) Matt- The guy that just broke my heart by breaking up with me days before Christmas. I struggle with this break up because even though it was just three months, I loved this one. I thought I was going to marry him. Everyone did for that matter. Even him but then one day he realized that the things that we wanted were not the same and broke up with me. I mean, he was the sweetest guy and helped me whenever I needed it. He sucked at making me feel better when I was down, when I look back at it. Though, one day when I had a crappy day at work he bought me orange roses and walked me home from work. He had me. Sex was great and we never fought until Christmas time. I actually don’t like Christmas and I’m not sure why but maybe because last time I got my heart-broken it was around Christmas. Go figure. I love this person and I miss him. I want him back in my world. I want him to call me and say he was stupid and that he misses me. Yes, I do realize that a few days ago I wrote, Optimism Makes This Easy, which I still believe most of those words. The majority of them. I also understand his reasoning. You can not stay with someone who you know you can never make happy because it is not who you are or what you want. I can’t hate him. I never will. I’m happy we happened and I hope he thinks the same things.We had so many more memories to make. We still can.

My faith in men has been surely tested this year. All of them have done something shitty to me and turned out to be assholes. We are who we attract so I can only be mad at myself. I’ve found myself to be notches in many belts this year. However, I forgive every last one of them. 2012 was my karma. 2013 will be much better because I proclaim it to be. Will I find the love of my life so to speak next year? Maybe. Only if I’m ready. Until then, I’ll have a right on time.

Optimism Makes This Easy

So, as most of you may know, I was dumped days before Christmas by someone who I thought I was going to spend possibly forever with. We talked marriage and kids and then out of the blue, “I don’t think we are good for each other.” Ouch. To say the least, my Christmas sucked. I cried for three days but then I realized something. I was not crying because our relationship was over. There were many obstacles we would of had to get over if we were ever going to be together. I had my doubts of course but I worked through them because I thought he was worth it. I gave more of myself than I normally would and it lead me here. Which, was the hurtful part. Giving so much of myself to someone who I thought was worth it. I really thought he was worth it. He did things for me that I had never experienced. He always opened my door and was a gentleman. There was just one problem, that apparently was not who he naturally was. He did all of those things for me because that’s what I wanted. Thanks. I guess. Which is probably why the breakup came out of nowhere, but, my intuition was trying to warn me all along. I just ignored it. Go figure.

Even though this guy did the shittiest thing that any person has ever done to me, I still forgive him. I don’t hate him, I never will. It’s not destroying my view of love or of Christmas for that matter. Why do you ask? Because I am optimistic. More optimistic than most people. I see the good in people, no matter what they do. Everyone has good in them but it needs to be nurtured in order to grow. I see the potential that others overlook and I want to help it blossom into greatness. That’s just who I am. I will fall in love again and get excited for sharing Christmas with another person and I won’t think of this shitty moment. I will be filled with love and joy and giving. And I wish the same for him. Do I think that he is hurt by what he did? Absolutely not. Do I think that he still cares or loves me? Absolutely not. And that’s okay. My friends, coworkers, employees all believe that in the near future he will contact me and want to get back together. Do I want him back? Absolutely not. Do I miss him? Of course. I mean, we were supposed to see the Dali Lama together damnit! Which is upsetting because, it’s the Fucking Dali Lama! I digressed.

I consulted the IChing and it is always spot on with its wisdom. That brought me more inner peace than I thought it would. Basically, I needed to have a shock to my system to remind me of something, to bring me to where I’m supposed to be. Losing yourself in a relationship happens and I was doing that. I see that. I wasn’t doing what I needed to do because of the energy this person was feeding me. Losing sight of the most important things because someone else “took” their place. I found myself being angry for no reason and not understanding why. Am I saying it was his fault? No, I’m not. Do I think it influenced me? Yes, I do. Either way, I’m better off. He’s better off. I’m optimistic about my future and what is to come. There will be a day when our paths cross again and I hope it is positive. 2012 might not of ended in the way I envisioned and I’m sure 2013 won’t either but what is to come is beautiful and I can’t wait to see it. 🙂

19 Minutes

Our love ended in 19 minutes
Thinking about the plans we made that will never be.
Like the Dali Lama and the scuba diving trip.

Saving Grace

So, here I am not sure about how I feel.
I’m crying but I don’t know why.
I don’t feel sad
I’m not mad
I’m hurt.
Hurt by the deceitfulness that he brought into my world.
My saving grace is never knowing what we could of been.
What we should of been.
This will take time to trust again.
To give myself to someone who deserves every part of me and doesn’t run at the first sign of trouble.
This was not love, not on his part.
Every word, every feeling, every touch was just a mini heartbreak.
The only thing that will get me through is my saving grace.

What The Fuck!?!?

I just got dumped two days before Christmas. Isn’t that lovely?

Let It Flow

I have a bad tendency of having my feelings get in the way of letting things flow. I become standoffish and act like the person I’m with is just a friend. It’s my defense mechanism. I don’t like letting people in and when I do, I’m unsure if it was the right move or not. This is where I am today. I’m more comfortable telling random people how I work than one’s I love. I want to end things because I’m not okay with how uncomfortable it is making me, not him. I didn’t mean for those words to come out. I really didn’t. I want to take them back. I’m not in love. I can’t be in love. I won’t be in love. I am scared. More scared than I have ever been. I never thought I would be afraid to be in love. To have someone have my back and I have his. For it to be an us instead of I. I’m serious about him being serious about me but I don’t know if I’m serious about him being serious about me. I want to end this, call it quits. I am that scared. Yet somehow, he still makes me want to stick around. That’s a good sign. When he makes you see the fear but don’t allow for it to consume you and stop you from doing what is right, that is love. I’m starting to slowly embrace it but there are still those moments when I question it’s validity. I question whether his love is real because it’s new to me. Because I have never experienced love in that way. Maybe I should just shut up about it and let it flow.

My Wetness is Your Wetness

You are the only girl I’ve ever wanted but I can’t fathom telling you how I feel.

Love is a strong word but it’s not just a verb.

It’s you and I holding hands in the dark

The feel of your lips upon mine.

I remember the softness and can’t imagine any lips that can take your place.

My wetness against your tongue touching my tongue is a sweetness that is irresistible

That night is on repeat and if it would have been meant to be we would be.

You were my first and only but you will never be my last.

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