Writing What Is Me

Archive for the tag “pain”

Saving Grace

So, here I am not sure about how I feel.
I’m crying but I don’t know why.
I don’t feel sad
I’m not mad
I’m hurt.
Hurt by the deceitfulness that he brought into my world.
My saving grace is never knowing what we could of been.
What we should of been.
This will take time to trust again.
To give myself to someone who deserves every part of me and doesn’t run at the first sign of trouble.
This was not love, not on his part.
Every word, every feeling, every touch was just a mini heartbreak.
The only thing that will get me through is my saving grace.


Let It Flow

I have a bad tendency of having my feelings get in the way of letting things flow. I become standoffish and act like the person I’m with is just a friend. It’s my defense mechanism. I don’t like letting people in and when I do, I’m unsure if it was the right move or not. This is where I am today. I’m more comfortable telling random people how I work than one’s I love. I want to end things because I’m not okay with how uncomfortable it is making me, not him. I didn’t mean for those words to come out. I really didn’t. I want to take them back. I’m not in love. I can’t be in love. I won’t be in love. I am scared. More scared than I have ever been. I never thought I would be afraid to be in love. To have someone have my back and I have his. For it to be an us instead of I. I’m serious about him being serious about me but I don’t know if I’m serious about him being serious about me. I want to end this, call it quits. I am that scared. Yet somehow, he still makes me want to stick around. That’s a good sign. When he makes you see the fear but don’t allow for it to consume you and stop you from doing what is right, that is love. I’m starting to slowly embrace it but there are still those moments when I question it’s validity. I question whether his love is real because it’s new to me. Because I have never experienced love in that way. Maybe I should just shut up about it and let it flow.

Too Good for Last Night

Last night I fucked him again. Once again, I think never again. My friendship lines are blurred because we vowed to make the last time a one night stand. I was too good for last night where fucking and love intertwined. Yet, the love will never unwind from my mind. Fucking is now the twine that makes us crave each others attention. Friendship lines are on hold because the only thing left is where the sex unfolds.

Cursed for Eternity

I am a heartbreaker. At least, that is what I’ve been told. My ex has officially blamed me for him being the asshole that he has become. “Young 20 year old girls will be cursing your name for all eternity,” he told me. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were right.

Forever Last Night

There needs to be more than last night. How about in the morning?

Too many nights end with me sneaking out of this room again. Sighing. Inhale deep knowing this isn’t the way to the place of forever.

There is no sound of breakfast being made for two just sheets slightly ruffled where a body used to lay. Slightly warm though the time has passed to bring the fire back.

A cycle that I love too deeply to find that meaning. He doesn’t want that meaning found, especially not with him. Just another one night stand where touching is the end.

Passion playing a cruel joke upon us as we kiss. It has a deeper feel than most, maybe it’s the alcohol talking.


The meaning is searching, aching to come to light. One night stand that never should of happened. A kiss filled with regret. Though neither one of us is willing to admit. We don’t have to because our bodies say it all. The calling for each other. The awkwardness in our stare.

We were never meant to have a morning.

Forever last night.


When it is said and done I still

Believe in love even though it has hurt me

Crave a touch even though it caused my downfall

Want him because I want what I shouldn’t have

Blame others for the lack of communication when I’m the embarrassed one.

Leave it up to him when I’m the one who has to be in control

Fuck him to get back at the other him

Smile when I’m crying

Cry when I’m smiling

Focus on everything but the obstacle I sense ahead


Until the moment

I can’t stand

Any longer.

Lost in Textlation

Writing and pouring out my soul to you on this damn computer, its light shining bright. Too bright. My soul is flowing in these keys with every word that is formed. I know this is the right thing to do. The only way to tell you how I feel. Loving you has never been enough but always been too much. You know that though, or at least I hope you do. All things written should not be new to you but a revelation deep down that you already knew. Finding the right words have never been easy; it isn’t still. However, this can’t go on forever. Love has never been as forthcoming but words to paper flow effortlessly as though I have been destined to do this. Sadly, I know no matter what I say, it is all lost, out of context. Text can never replace the truth flowing from my succulent lips that you long to kiss. But. I’ll do it anyway because the typing of these keys are like music to my fingers, tingling and coursing through every part of me to make it just right no matter how one may interpret, even the one it is intended for. Let me begin.

I hate everything about you for reasons I’m not even sure I can explain. This isn’t that, “Oh I hate you because I love you so much” hate. No, I truly hate you. Bringing to me a world of pain and love that I have never longed for, that I crave to be rid of. A monster was created because of the love that you gave me. I understand, you only gave how you knew but you’re giving was too much and never enough. A hopeless dichotomy. I don’t just blame you, I blame me too. Hating you is so much easier than loving you ever could be.  I created a path of destruction running from the truth. Hurting you so that you would finally be man enough to let me go. Though, you never did or never could. You loved me too much but still your love was never enough. But you already knew that, most of this you already do. Let me tell you something new.

Before we ever became an us, I hated you for not being able to tell me the truth. I knew from the first moment we were together you liked me but, you made it more difficult than it ever had to be. I was used over and over again but really I wasn’t. I felt that way because you couldn’t express yourself when it was so easy for me to. Not just with you but with everyone. I’m forward, I know. I will tell anyone how I feel without a care simply because I don’t give a fuck.

I’ve gotten off track. Let me regain my flow.

I told you things I never meant when they first left my lips because simply I did not know how to handle it. I love you. Three little words that save life’s yet destroys egos and homes but comes when people mean them the least. Yes, the least. Never the most. Can you still follow my text or is it to the point of not making sense? Textulating is what I’m doing but I know that is lost on you. You never could follow my train of thought. Maybe that’s why we never worked or maybe because when I wanted to take you home, you never wanted to already be there waiting for me. When you finally realized it was me that you wanted to take home, I was already gone. As the saying goes, the ones who love us the least are the ones we would die for. You were that for me and I was that for you. We both died when we told ourselves the truth. Always lost in textlation, meaning never truly coming through.

Fuck You. I’m Expressive.

There are many things over the course of my 26 years that I have to come to realize but none as freeing and heartbreaking as my realization last night. When I was 19, I met this guy who was everything to me but he was different from all the others. We both were crazy about each other. He was in New Orleans for two days and before he left he made sure to tell me how he felt and that he wanted to keep talking to me. He lived in Chicago and was 25. We were so smitten with each other. We even planned our future together. Then I did something absolutely crazy and out-of-pocket. I got all emotional and started making a problem out of nothing because he didn’t answer the phone. I left a poem on his voicemail. It freaked him out. Never the same after that. It hurt my feelings but at the same time I shouldn’t have done that. This guy I thought was everything quickly became nothing. That one moment, forever changed everything about me. I stopped writing poetry. It was my release from all things in life and I did it everyday. After that situation, I blamed poetry, my writing, for the downfall of the man who was supposed to be my future husband. I no longer yearned or craved the pen and paper like before. Writing became sporadic and unfocused. I developed anxiety. It took so long to let him guy, truly let him go. It’s taking a lot of me to be truthful and honest that a guy had that much control over me but I was 19. Young and dumb. Love was all I wanted but his love was not what I deserved.I’m happy I realized that even if it took almost 10 years.

I’m one for my life experiences being a lesson for others as well as myself. Many other relationships have happened and have slayed me but none like this. I’ve finally allowed myself to forgive and forget. I’ve forgiven those who do not know how to fully express themselves. Expression is harder than most people realize. I can’t be mad or fault someone because they don’t know how. If it is important, they will find a way for that expression to happen. I will no longer apologize for being expressive of how I feel, even if others don’t understand it. It is who I am. I can no longer expect to be great based off the idea of what greatness is from others. At 26, I can finally say “Fuck You. I’m Expressive.”

The Defeat of Love

Just another statement set upon those lips of impeding destruction causing for in-depth self-reflection

Fighting my feelings of joy and like because I’m afraid of how it feels to let my emotions take control of this flow

Fear consumes my essence. Being no longer being when I’m falling into the depths of this hell.

Don’t bring me back there. I can’t fight my way back to the light that needs me.

Don’t feed me words of hope and love when despair is all you are capable of.

Searching for something that will never be there.

Missing pieces that are forever misplaced. Kisses and hugs will never/can never take their place.

Fuck you and this situation. I hate the look of per ecstasy upon your face while I’m bruised by the touch of your skin.

But it won’t end.

The love always beckons me again.

Raw Sex

Blanket exposure that has me naked, exploding with delight

Fire in the background reaching for me to allow for my wood to ignite

Raw down to the inner depths of being; searching for that internal fight to begin. 

Tingling senses of overwhelming pleasure are gaining control

Fists of flying rage are making an edge to be on top

Choking, biting and scratching intertwine with kissing, caressing, and passion. 

Free from those chains of hurt and anger 

Bliss is on the horizon.




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