LisaMore

Writing What Is Me

Archive for the category “Advice”

2013 In The House!

2013 is here! It is scary and exciting at the same time. I haven’t really taken any stock in new year’s resolutions in the past but I think I am going to actually give them a for real shot this 2013. The thing about resolutions and the reason why most people fail is because they are too vague. I can’t just say I am going to workout more in 2013. I will surely fail. It needs to be a real attainable goal. So, that’s what I’m doing. Throughout the year, I will write about how close I am to accomplishing or have accomplished my resolutions in 2013. Let’s all be an encouragement to each other and get started!

1) Be able to run 20 miles by the end of the year- I have never been one to run not unless I have to. I ran track in high school but goodness, that was almost 10 years ago. Yikes! So, I signed up for the Color Me Rad 5k this year and I have until May 11th to get my ass in shape to do this thing! I’ve convinced some friends to do it with me so I’m looking forward to being in shape and running for the fun of it! Plus, that rush you feel after having a great run is like ecstasy.

2) Finish writing One Night Stands and Heartbreaks- I have so many different books I’ve started but never ever finished. One Night Stands is the book that I revisit after every heartbreak and I need to finally finish it. Heartbreak or no heartbreak. What I envision it to be is the book that people pick up when they are hurt or when they need a good laugh about relationships. Just a fun read that is enlightening at the same time. I also want to be on the New York Times Bestsellers List by the time I’m 30. That is not that far away so it’s now or never.

3) Have an agent by the end of the year- I dream about being a published author but I have yet to take any steps to actually getting there. I always let other things get in the way. Making excuses, like “I’m too busy” or “I’m tired”. Well, no more. Once book one is done, then the hard work really begins. Securing an agent is step one so this is the year to make it happen.

4) Participate in the Homeric Writers’ Retreat and Workshop- I have been in love with Greece for the longest and have been itching to go visit for a long time. This retreat is the excuse I need to make it there. The only thing stopping me from making it happen is money but I am going to do whatever I can to make this the year of spoken dreams.

5) Finish paying off college- I’ve been out of school for way too long to still have to pay back these people and I resolve to have it done by the end of this year. I actually would like to go to grad school at some point so this is a must.

I probably have more resolutions but these are the most important to me. I could add win the lottery but I resolve for that to happen every year. lol. The year is always what you make it and I affirm all of these things to be true. Let’s get started!

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Fuck You. I’m Expressive.

There are many things over the course of my 26 years that I have to come to realize but none as freeing and heartbreaking as my realization last night. When I was 19, I met this guy who was everything to me but he was different from all the others. We both were crazy about each other. He was in New Orleans for two days and before he left he made sure to tell me how he felt and that he wanted to keep talking to me. He lived in Chicago and was 25. We were so smitten with each other. We even planned our future together. Then I did something absolutely crazy and out-of-pocket. I got all emotional and started making a problem out of nothing because he didn’t answer the phone. I left a poem on his voicemail. It freaked him out. Never the same after that. It hurt my feelings but at the same time I shouldn’t have done that. This guy I thought was everything quickly became nothing. That one moment, forever changed everything about me. I stopped writing poetry. It was my release from all things in life and I did it everyday. After that situation, I blamed poetry, my writing, for the downfall of the man who was supposed to be my future husband. I no longer yearned or craved the pen and paper like before. Writing became sporadic and unfocused. I developed anxiety. It took so long to let him guy, truly let him go. It’s taking a lot of me to be truthful and honest that a guy had that much control over me but I was 19. Young and dumb. Love was all I wanted but his love was not what I deserved.I’m happy I realized that even if it took almost 10 years.

I’m one for my life experiences being a lesson for others as well as myself. Many other relationships have happened and have slayed me but none like this. I’ve finally allowed myself to forgive and forget. I’ve forgiven those who do not know how to fully express themselves. Expression is harder than most people realize. I can’t be mad or fault someone because they don’t know how. If it is important, they will find a way for that expression to happen. I will no longer apologize for being expressive of how I feel, even if others don’t understand it. It is who I am. I can no longer expect to be great based off the idea of what greatness is from others. At 26, I can finally say “Fuck You. I’m Expressive.”

Are You Part of Ain’t Shit Life?

Ain’t shit. At some point we all participate in this life, though we may not want to admit it to ourselves or others. What is ain’t shit life you ask? Well, ain’t shit is when you graduate college and still do college things; when you expect for those bad things to not matter at the end of the day; you sit at home playing X-box all day saying, “Damn, I need a job”; you be in the studio saying you working when we all know you can’t rhyme worth shit; you get wasted every weekend and expect for a good woman to want to be with you (or a man). I could continue to go down the list that classifies as ain’t shit antics but I’ve made my point. I will be the first to admit that I am part of ain’t shit life. I have been for a while now. Most of my friends ain’t shit, that’s why we are friends. We like to do ratchet things in the club, we like to read people for no reason besides it’s funny, you know, the usual ain’t shit antics.

So, I know you are asking yourself, “Why is she even talking about ain’t shit life? What is her point?” Well, let me make it. This post is about relationships, as most of my musings. The other night as I was laying about my bed, I thought about how some of my friends are looking for that lasting type of love, that get married, pop out some kids and grow old type love; myself included. I wondered why love eluded myself and those around me and then it hit me! We are exuding that ain’t shit odor. That not about life existence can be sensed from a mile away, so we attract the same type of people to us. We expect for things to be different but we end up with the same results. Wanting something and actively seeking it, is two very different things. Only when we decide to actively change our ain’t shit antics will the right people infiltrate our life’s and give us what we are searching for.  Does this mean that I should drop the people I hang with? Maybe. Should we acknowledge that we need to change? Absolutely. Will we? That’s debateable.  We know we ain’t shit but, right now, we really just give absolutely no fucks. I mean, we go to the bank every day looking to withdraw some fucks and look, there is none. Deposits on empty and will not be replenished. No over drafting in this bitch. Ever. We will change when being ain’t shit isn’t fun anymore. So ain’t shit life shall live on. For now.

The Future Us.

We’ve all been there, that moment when you are with someone and instead of using the word I, he/she says us. Fireworks go off overhead and the future flashes before your eyes. But, does the use of the word us actually mean someone is thinking long-term? Do we hear us and think long-term, serious relationship? The answer for most women is yes. Us pops out of a man’s mouth, then it must be real. However, I’m a firm believer that all usage of the term us is not created equal. I decided to ask three of my male friends if this is true and the answers were spot on but slightly surprising.

Male one said that any man who uses us in a future scenario definitely sees a future with the lady and would only use us if he is serious about the relationship.

Male two said the same thing but that there were exceptions. Those exceptions were if they were business partnerships/personal relationships, which is completely understandable.

Their answers were the typical answers and the answers I was looking for but the last male is the reason why all usages of the word us is not made equal. He said,” just because someone uses the word us in a future scenario means they are just using an example and that it does not determine whether or not he is serious about the relationship or the lady”. It really depends on the context of the usage, which makes sense and I could not argue with that. Sometimes, we as women look into things too deeply and assume that the use of a word or the giving of a key (I’ll explain this below) means so much more than it actually does. If a man is serious about a woman, he will tell her. He will not beat around the bush and give mixed signals, he will be straight forward and truthful. Stop allowing for your mind and your homegirl to define what your relationship is or should be. Same goes for males as well.

I also brought up the key issue, which seems to be a much bigger issue than any other. In my past and my present I’ve had to deal with the key issue. In my past, I had the key to his apartment but he did not have a key to mine. I never saw it as a big deal to have a key to his place or for him to have one to mine. He did not see it that way. He was in his feelings about the issue and it meant that I did not trust him. To me, that was not the case. I just like my privacy. Having a key to him was that we were serious about each other and we had a future.

Cut to the present and new man in my life, I have a key to his place but he does not have a key to mine. He does not want one to my place and he does not believe that my having a key to his apartment signifies anything more than he trust me. I never thought it signified that. I do agree that it shows how much he trust me and now that I see it from a different point of view, I did not trust my past. I expected him to invade my privacy and that says a lot about that relationship but I digress.

Point is this, stop looking for everything to have a deeper meaning. Our generation is royalty when it comes to passive action emotion. There are times we expect for others to understand by our actions and never our words or vice versa. Why is it so rare to have our words and actions meet in the right place? Is it because we fear what would become of our words in action or action in words? A man nor a woman should never be left guessing and deciding what the relationship is on their own based off of actions and/or words alone. Conversations and communication are meant to happen so people don’t get hurt. Yes, I know, easier said than done but it can happen. You have to be true to yourself and the rest will follow. If you just want something in particular like, to have sex, let it be known, you just might be surprised by the return answer. Not everything has to be so serious but it will be once someone gets in their feelings and that is the last thing anyone needs. The truth will set you free for a reason and communication is key to the truth and freedom.

I Am Lisa More.

Procrastination. We all do it at some point or another. Some more than others but either way it is a killer. Killer of time, of production, of quality just to name a few. Sitting here, I reflect back on my younger days when procrastination was not even in my vocabulary. I literally was so focused I got everything done. I did pretty well in school to the point of getting anything less than an A made me cry. (I’ve always sucked at math. blah!) Singing was my life so I sang and practiced everyday. My friends and I even created a girl group that of course went no where but we were just kids anyway. I always wondered why I never hung out with a lot of people as a child and it was because I was so focused on doing well in school that all that other stuff did not matter. I would rather sing, get lost in music, or read a book than enjoy the company of people some times. I’m still that way for the most part but then I moved away from Alabama and everything I had ever known. The pace of the South is so different than the Midwest, I had no idea how to handle it. I cried so much my freshman year of high school because I missed everything about Alabama and Ohioans have a tendency to be extremely rude.

My freshman year, I was focused but then that summer before heading off to the high school changed everything about me. The rest of my high school years did not see the best  grades or best effort from me. I had a lot on my plate from debate to track to trying to find time to hang out with friends and be a normal high school student. I got a little boy crazy, in which, I guess, I’ve always been that way. I let myself turn into someone I never thought I would be, a struggle artist. It was a struggle to get anything done and I always had an excuse for something, still do it to this day. (And unfortunately all throughout my college career.) I realize it and acknowledge it but can’t stop it. Can’t is not the proper word, more like won’t. The days where there is way too much to get done but every part of me says naw, there is always another day, another hour to get it done. This is the reason why I fail. I am a failure because I allow myself to be. Can I change this about myself, of course but will I? Can I let go of saying in one minute I’ll get out of bed so I won’t be late for work? Can I stop saying I’m not in the mood to write when I have so much to say? Can I stop feeling like my words mean nothing, when they mean something to me if no one else? Yes. Yes. And yes.

I always get so jealous of those people who have known since they were little what they loved doing and went after it. I’ve always been afraid of what I can do. I don’t have the  potential to be great, I am great. And I know what it is that I am destined to do. I’ve always known since I was a child. I was always a creator. I had mad imaginary friends and wrote everyday. I got lost in music and loved. These have been constants in my life and yet I question what I’m meant to do? How could I not see what I’ve been searching for all of this time? I’ve listened to too many of the people around me about how I will never accomplish anything. That doubt is real in my mind and that little doubt will make me fail every time. The time for doubting and procrastination is through. I’ve met people who I will never forget but they will forget me as soon as I leave the room. This has been my plight since I was a child. A forgettable face with a forgettable voice. This voice will no longer be forgettable even if you never know who I am.

A long road is ahead but I will take it one step at a time. Someone asked,”how would you like to be remembered?” And honestly if people had to remember me as I am now, I would be ashamed. Am I bad person? No, but I can do better and be better. That is always the goal, do better to be better. My favorite thing to tell anyone is, “Forget all that scary stuff and just do it.” It is as simple as that.

Hi At Us

I recently decided to take a writing hiatus and by recently I mean a few months ago. After starting my first big girl job I was a little overwhelmed with everything that comes along with it. I was also dealing with my ex going to jail (he totally deserved to go by the way) though that wasn’t that tough of an issue to deal with except for the fact we were talking about getting back together and I’m still in love with him (which totally sucks). Along with that, I fell out of touch with my best friend and just all around felt lost in the world. New Orleans is starting to feel like a dream, a strange place, that I have never encountered before and not in a good way. It seems I have these feelings at some point every few years when I feel like I just keep going back to things that I know. I want some excitement, something new that I haven’t experienced before but with responsibilities and accountability being an issue for me at the moment, I can’t just up and move across the pond like I would like. I feel as though I’m wasting my potential away day and night. Is it because I’m scared of what the future brings? Not really (that not really translates to yes). Am I scared of being alone? Yeah but at the end of the day who cares. ( I care damnit! With tears streaming down my face.) When these thoughts hit me I have to write. It was dumb of me to ever stop in the first place. Getting lost in the words and love of writing is what saved me or rather saves me. The fear of failure seems greater than success for me at the moment. Would a pep talk help? Yeah, definitely. I actually got one recently, well sort of. I’ve been told by numerous people that I have potential but everyone has potential. I’m not exceptional at anything in particular but once one does things enough they become an expert. I tend to give up on things before I ever get to that point. I’ve started to realize my problem already. I always give up when I should push through but that has nothing to do with my pep talk. I digressed.

Anywho, my pep talk happened while at work when I was told that I didn’t fit in. Not the first time I’ve been told that at this job but somehow someway I find myself back there. I actually enjoy what I do but I want to LOVE what I do. Everyone wants to be able to do this but somehow we feel like we have to be part of the rat race and slaves to the cause. That’s why I have to create an evil plan to escape all of this. At the rate I’m going I’ll end up being stuck in the same place forever and that is not an option. Don’t let it be an option for you either. Recognize your flaws and acknowledge them. Figure out what it is you want in life (which is always the hard part) and go for it. My favorite thing to say is, forget all the scary stuff and say how you feel and do what you want. In the words of Beyonce, (actually, I’m misquoting Beyonce ) school life don’t let life school you. Did I just type that? Anyway you know what I mean and you know what to do.

The Makings of A Star

Encouragement. Nourishment. Skills. Talent. Potential. Perfection. Greatness. A few qualities that all stars have. In all actuality, it is the qualities that us as human beings have. The only problem is that the majority of us do not tap into these qualities. Everyone has potential to do something but making it into greatness, into perfection is hard. Hard work takes sacrifice and courage in which a lot of us are afraid of. The ability to make executive decisions, as I like to call them, is difficult. The belief in ones talent is also very trying. How does one push past all the negativity; all of the doubt? I struggle with this question on a regular basis. Being a writer comes with certain rules I guess you would call them. Maybe not rules, more so guidelines or suggestions. The belief that ones work is never good is a trait that all writers have, especially the good ones. Never truly knowing your greatness sometimes always plays in your favor. It encourages you to do better, to practice your craft, hone your skills. Every star never stops working, never stops learning. The moment you stop, is the moment you should no longer be doing what you are doing. There is nothing worse than a person who thinks they are great when there is someone out there who is better and is doing it better because they continue learning and growing through their work. We should all strive to be this person even if we think there is nothing in particular we are good at. With practice comes greatness. Along with greatness comes criticism and rejection and disappointment. The hardest thing to deal with is rejection. Most are never prepared for it and it leads to disappointment, anger. This is your motivation, your drive to keep going. We are all naive in the ways of our heart but our head leads us to the path of sensibility. We must be sensible in our actions and thoughts. Things do not happen as we wish them to happen but happen when they are meant to. Greatness takes time. It has been said that (wo)men are not born great but have greatness thrust upon them. We are all stars in the making. At some point we will be great. Allow yourself that thought and go after whatever it is you want. Fear is the enemy. Conquer it. Look past it. All you should see is the stars.

Love

I’ve been struggling with the idea of love recently. It is easy to say I love you but harder to mean it, to show it. I love easily and hard because I don’t know how to love otherwise. Along the love road I’ve been on, I lost sight of myself and my values; essentially what makes me, well me.

I haven’t felt myself since 2004 really. I’ll put a year on it because that is when I LIVED life. I kissed many, danced until the sun came up, broke hearts, had my heart broken, failed, and conquered. I’ve come back to that in 2011 and feel alive again but something that happened in the years between is haunting me.

I let myself become a victim. I let fear rule me and kill my spirit. I became anxious and afraid to let love run its course. I am not going to blame anyone else for these events. I blame myself simply because I let outside forces change my core, what made me tick, what made me love me.

Tonight, while listening to Marsha Ambrosious and Adele, I realized something. I had lost myself. I was anxious over things I should not be anxious over. I longed for things that have always been available to me. I have to trust in my soul that Love never fails and it has never failed me. When love is true and genuine you feel it. I’ve felt it and loved every minute of it.

Anxiety stems from when one feels there is no control over a situation, you are afraid and can’t find a way to push it away. I’m afraid not that I am unworthy of love but that I will get hurt. But with love comes pain sometimes, even if it is not intentional. I want things to be perfect; for the things I’m feeling to be returned; for another person to SHOW me how much they want me but that should happen naturally.

Even when a person is showing and/or telling how important you are, you are skeptical. You’re putting negativity into the Universe because you are afraid that love is a game. If you believe love to be a game then you will always get played. When you see love for what it is and what it can be then you will never get played.

You always feel when a moment or a person is right. You know it and you should NEVER ignore it. You also know when something is wrong. NEVER underestimate that feeling.

I know for a fact that I’m OVERREACTING because of what other people are telling me or what I’m reading from others. Whatever happens, happens is my philosophy that I try really hard to adhere by and obviously I’m failing. Situations happen and people happen, you just have to take it for what it is with no expectations.

I know what I’m saying is not new but everyone needs to be reminded sometimes. Losing yourself happens but at some point, you have to come back from your vacation. My plane just landed and all I can see is the sun shining ahead.

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