Writing What Is Me

Archive for the category “Motivation”

2013 In The House!

2013 is here! It is scary and exciting at the same time. I haven’t really taken any stock in new year’s resolutions in the past but I think I am going to actually give them a for real shot this 2013. The thing about resolutions and the reason why most people fail is because they are too vague. I can’t just say I am going to workout more in 2013. I will surely fail. It needs to be a real attainable goal. So, that’s what I’m doing. Throughout the year, I will write about how close I am to accomplishing or have accomplished my resolutions in 2013. Let’s all be an encouragement to each other and get started!

1) Be able to run 20 miles by the end of the year- I have never been one to run not unless I have to. I ran track in high school but goodness, that was almost 10 years ago. Yikes! So, I signed up for the Color Me Rad 5k this year and I have until May 11th to get my ass in shape to do this thing! I’ve convinced some friends to do it with me so I’m looking forward to being in shape and running for the fun of it! Plus, that rush you feel after having a great run is like ecstasy.

2) Finish writing One Night Stands and Heartbreaks- I have so many different books I’ve started but never ever finished. One Night Stands is the book that I revisit after every heartbreak and I need to finally finish it. Heartbreak or no heartbreak. What I envision it to be is the book that people pick up when they are hurt or when they need a good laugh about relationships. Just a fun read that is enlightening at the same time. I also want to be on the New York Times Bestsellers List by the time I’m 30. That is not that far away so it’s now or never.

3) Have an agent by the end of the year- I dream about being a published author but I have yet to take any steps to actually getting there. I always let other things get in the way. Making excuses, like “I’m too busy” or “I’m tired”. Well, no more. Once book one is done, then the hard work really begins. Securing an agent is step one so this is the year to make it happen.

4) Participate in the Homeric Writers’ Retreat and Workshop- I have been in love with Greece for the longest and have been itching to go visit for a long time. This retreat is the excuse I need to make it there. The only thing stopping me from making it happen is money but I am going to do whatever I can to make this the year of spoken dreams.

5) Finish paying off college- I’ve been out of school for way too long to still have to pay back these people and I resolve to have it done by the end of this year. I actually would like to go to grad school at some point so this is a must.

I probably have more resolutions but these are the most important to me. I could add win the lottery but I resolve for that to happen every year. lol. The year is always what you make it and I affirm all of these things to be true. Let’s get started!

Optimism Makes This Easy

So, as most of you may know, I was dumped days before Christmas by someone who I thought I was going to spend possibly forever with. We talked marriage and kids and then out of the blue, “I don’t think we are good for each other.” Ouch. To say the least, my Christmas sucked. I cried for three days but then I realized something. I was not crying because our relationship was over. There were many obstacles we would of had to get over if we were ever going to be together. I had my doubts of course but I worked through them because I thought he was worth it. I gave more of myself than I normally would and it lead me here. Which, was the hurtful part. Giving so much of myself to someone who I thought was worth it. I really thought he was worth it. He did things for me that I had never experienced. He always opened my door and was a gentleman. There was just one problem, that apparently was not who he naturally was. He did all of those things for me because that’s what I wanted. Thanks. I guess. Which is probably why the breakup came out of nowhere, but, my intuition was trying to warn me all along. I just ignored it. Go figure.

Even though this guy did the shittiest thing that any person has ever done to me, I still forgive him. I don’t hate him, I never will. It’s not destroying my view of love or of Christmas for that matter. Why do you ask? Because I am optimistic. More optimistic than most people. I see the good in people, no matter what they do. Everyone has good in them but it needs to be nurtured in order to grow. I see the potential that others overlook and I want to help it blossom into greatness. That’s just who I am. I will fall in love again and get excited for sharing Christmas with another person and I won’t think of this shitty moment. I will be filled with love and joy and giving. And I wish the same for him. Do I think that he is hurt by what he did? Absolutely not. Do I think that he still cares or loves me? Absolutely not. And that’s okay. My friends, coworkers, employees all believe that in the near future he will contact me and want to get back together. Do I want him back? Absolutely not. Do I miss him? Of course. I mean, we were supposed to see the Dali Lama together damnit! Which is upsetting because, it’s the Fucking Dali Lama! I digressed.

I consulted the IChing and it is always spot on with its wisdom. That brought me more inner peace than I thought it would. Basically, I needed to have a shock to my system to remind me of something, to bring me to where I’m supposed to be. Losing yourself in a relationship happens and I was doing that. I see that. I wasn’t doing what I needed to do because of the energy this person was feeding me. Losing sight of the most important things because someone else “took” their place. I found myself being angry for no reason and not understanding why. Am I saying it was his fault? No, I’m not. Do I think it influenced me? Yes, I do. Either way, I’m better off. He’s better off. I’m optimistic about my future and what is to come. There will be a day when our paths cross again and I hope it is positive. 2012 might not of ended in the way I envisioned and I’m sure 2013 won’t either but what is to come is beautiful and I can’t wait to see it. 🙂

Fuck You. I’m Expressive.

There are many things over the course of my 26 years that I have to come to realize but none as freeing and heartbreaking as my realization last night. When I was 19, I met this guy who was everything to me but he was different from all the others. We both were crazy about each other. He was in New Orleans for two days and before he left he made sure to tell me how he felt and that he wanted to keep talking to me. He lived in Chicago and was 25. We were so smitten with each other. We even planned our future together. Then I did something absolutely crazy and out-of-pocket. I got all emotional and started making a problem out of nothing because he didn’t answer the phone. I left a poem on his voicemail. It freaked him out. Never the same after that. It hurt my feelings but at the same time I shouldn’t have done that. This guy I thought was everything quickly became nothing. That one moment, forever changed everything about me. I stopped writing poetry. It was my release from all things in life and I did it everyday. After that situation, I blamed poetry, my writing, for the downfall of the man who was supposed to be my future husband. I no longer yearned or craved the pen and paper like before. Writing became sporadic and unfocused. I developed anxiety. It took so long to let him guy, truly let him go. It’s taking a lot of me to be truthful and honest that a guy had that much control over me but I was 19. Young and dumb. Love was all I wanted but his love was not what I deserved.I’m happy I realized that even if it took almost 10 years.

I’m one for my life experiences being a lesson for others as well as myself. Many other relationships have happened and have slayed me but none like this. I’ve finally allowed myself to forgive and forget. I’ve forgiven those who do not know how to fully express themselves. Expression is harder than most people realize. I can’t be mad or fault someone because they don’t know how. If it is important, they will find a way for that expression to happen. I will no longer apologize for being expressive of how I feel, even if others don’t understand it. It is who I am. I can no longer expect to be great based off the idea of what greatness is from others. At 26, I can finally say “Fuck You. I’m Expressive.”

The Dance

There are days I want to sit at my computer with the click of the keys as music to my ears writing something insanely profound.

Most days I fail.

Am I even profound enough to be, well, profound?

Does my wanting to be profound classify as profoundness?

Or am I chasing an unattainable dream? A desire to be great, to reach the masses and change their view of the world.

Is this what I’m seeking and claiming it to be profundity?

Is that not profundity as its best?

The ability to delve deep into the crevices of a mind to extract a seed as small as atoms and neurons floating in our atmosphere

To water that seed into a full blown idea that is molded and crafted to into a tangible entity.

We seek nothing more than profoundness when we are all profound everyday

Getting out your dreams is a deeper thought than can ever be expressed

Do not mistake your voice for ghosts

For ghosts are only fragments; intangible pieces of truth.

Never mistake your truth with the lies that are feed by those who do not understand the profundity of the dance.


I Am Lisa More.

Procrastination. We all do it at some point or another. Some more than others but either way it is a killer. Killer of time, of production, of quality just to name a few. Sitting here, I reflect back on my younger days when procrastination was not even in my vocabulary. I literally was so focused I got everything done. I did pretty well in school to the point of getting anything less than an A made me cry. (I’ve always sucked at math. blah!) Singing was my life so I sang and practiced everyday. My friends and I even created a girl group that of course went no where but we were just kids anyway. I always wondered why I never hung out with a lot of people as a child and it was because I was so focused on doing well in school that all that other stuff did not matter. I would rather sing, get lost in music, or read a book than enjoy the company of people some times. I’m still that way for the most part but then I moved away from Alabama and everything I had ever known. The pace of the South is so different than the Midwest, I had no idea how to handle it. I cried so much my freshman year of high school because I missed everything about Alabama and Ohioans have a tendency to be extremely rude.

My freshman year, I was focused but then that summer before heading off to the high school changed everything about me. The rest of my high school years did not see the best  grades or best effort from me. I had a lot on my plate from debate to track to trying to find time to hang out with friends and be a normal high school student. I got a little boy crazy, in which, I guess, I’ve always been that way. I let myself turn into someone I never thought I would be, a struggle artist. It was a struggle to get anything done and I always had an excuse for something, still do it to this day. (And unfortunately all throughout my college career.) I realize it and acknowledge it but can’t stop it. Can’t is not the proper word, more like won’t. The days where there is way too much to get done but every part of me says naw, there is always another day, another hour to get it done. This is the reason why I fail. I am a failure because I allow myself to be. Can I change this about myself, of course but will I? Can I let go of saying in one minute I’ll get out of bed so I won’t be late for work? Can I stop saying I’m not in the mood to write when I have so much to say? Can I stop feeling like my words mean nothing, when they mean something to me if no one else? Yes. Yes. And yes.

I always get so jealous of those people who have known since they were little what they loved doing and went after it. I’ve always been afraid of what I can do. I don’t have the  potential to be great, I am great. And I know what it is that I am destined to do. I’ve always known since I was a child. I was always a creator. I had mad imaginary friends and wrote everyday. I got lost in music and loved. These have been constants in my life and yet I question what I’m meant to do? How could I not see what I’ve been searching for all of this time? I’ve listened to too many of the people around me about how I will never accomplish anything. That doubt is real in my mind and that little doubt will make me fail every time. The time for doubting and procrastination is through. I’ve met people who I will never forget but they will forget me as soon as I leave the room. This has been my plight since I was a child. A forgettable face with a forgettable voice. This voice will no longer be forgettable even if you never know who I am.

A long road is ahead but I will take it one step at a time. Someone asked,”how would you like to be remembered?” And honestly if people had to remember me as I am now, I would be ashamed. Am I bad person? No, but I can do better and be better. That is always the goal, do better to be better. My favorite thing to tell anyone is, “Forget all that scary stuff and just do it.” It is as simple as that.

Hi At Us

I recently decided to take a writing hiatus and by recently I mean a few months ago. After starting my first big girl job I was a little overwhelmed with everything that comes along with it. I was also dealing with my ex going to jail (he totally deserved to go by the way) though that wasn’t that tough of an issue to deal with except for the fact we were talking about getting back together and I’m still in love with him (which totally sucks). Along with that, I fell out of touch with my best friend and just all around felt lost in the world. New Orleans is starting to feel like a dream, a strange place, that I have never encountered before and not in a good way. It seems I have these feelings at some point every few years when I feel like I just keep going back to things that I know. I want some excitement, something new that I haven’t experienced before but with responsibilities and accountability being an issue for me at the moment, I can’t just up and move across the pond like I would like. I feel as though I’m wasting my potential away day and night. Is it because I’m scared of what the future brings? Not really (that not really translates to yes). Am I scared of being alone? Yeah but at the end of the day who cares. ( I care damnit! With tears streaming down my face.) When these thoughts hit me I have to write. It was dumb of me to ever stop in the first place. Getting lost in the words and love of writing is what saved me or rather saves me. The fear of failure seems greater than success for me at the moment. Would a pep talk help? Yeah, definitely. I actually got one recently, well sort of. I’ve been told by numerous people that I have potential but everyone has potential. I’m not exceptional at anything in particular but once one does things enough they become an expert. I tend to give up on things before I ever get to that point. I’ve started to realize my problem already. I always give up when I should push through but that has nothing to do with my pep talk. I digressed.

Anywho, my pep talk happened while at work when I was told that I didn’t fit in. Not the first time I’ve been told that at this job but somehow someway I find myself back there. I actually enjoy what I do but I want to LOVE what I do. Everyone wants to be able to do this but somehow we feel like we have to be part of the rat race and slaves to the cause. That’s why I have to create an evil plan to escape all of this. At the rate I’m going I’ll end up being stuck in the same place forever and that is not an option. Don’t let it be an option for you either. Recognize your flaws and acknowledge them. Figure out what it is you want in life (which is always the hard part) and go for it. My favorite thing to say is, forget all the scary stuff and say how you feel and do what you want. In the words of Beyonce, (actually, I’m misquoting Beyonce ) school life don’t let life school you. Did I just type that? Anyway you know what I mean and you know what to do.

D is for Debate

When I was in high school my life was consumed by one thing, policy debate. I’m not quite sure where I would be if I had not decided to participate in debate. It shaped who I am today and I have recently learned that the activity that made me fall in love with philosophy and help me find the university I went to even is on the brink of being shut down. It hurts my soul. Debate was the most useful tool I ever had the pleasure of participating in. My analytical skills, ability to think on my feet, get over my shyness, become a better public speaker, better annunciation, strike fear in my classmates with my speed reading skills and ability to conceive an argument all happened because of debate. What exactly is policy debate? According to Wikipedia, Policy debate is a form of research-based speech competition in which teams of two advocate for and against a resolution that typically calls for policy change by the United States federal government. It is also referred to as cross-examination debate (sometimes shortened to Cross-X, CX, or C-X) because of the 3-minute questioning period following each constructive speech. Affirmative teams generally present a plan as a proposal for implementation of the resolution. The negative will generally prove that it would be better not to do the plan or that the opportunity costs to the plan are so great that it should not be implemented.

Another more fun explanation from the Urban Dictionary defines it as:

An obscure cult with its own distinct language understood only by members. The members speak incredibly quickly and think even faster. They tend to also be motivated students and often exhibit a mild form of OCD.

Such debaters engage in conversation with each other on a much higher level than the average human, both in and out of round. The student government and honor roll within a school typically consist mostly of debaters. 80% of congress debated in high school.

Membership in the cult lasts from 9th grade through 12th grade and sometimes through college, but the mannerisms and knowledge gained from it manifest themselves in all aspects of the current or former debater’s life for the better.

Policy debate kicks aff.

I spent all last weekend hitting people, cutting and spewing. We broke and all the judges picked me up, but this one lay judge dropped me. I also got top speaks. Now I’m going to do uniqueness updates for my disad, then cut some a2 perm cards on the counterplan and come up with a kritikal aff so I can win framework.

I finally mastered the pen flip!

Policy debate is SHITS (Significance, Harms, Inherency, Topicality, Solvency)

If you understood all the above, you’re a policy debater

The reason why I used the Urban Dictionary version is because that is exactly how debaters think and how we would describe it. It is like a cult simply because an outsider won’t understand it. The language involved alone is enough not to mention our sense of humor is a little off. That seems to be the problem with policy debate for some is that it is a little too exclusive. It is hard to convince kids to stick with it because of how much work it is but that is the best part. Also, kids get discouraged when they keep losing but it is not all about winning. There is joy in losing, though not easily seen in the moment. These loses prepare for future setbacks and heartbreaks believe me. After spending so much time working on a case and learning it in and out and losing a round or being the negative and running a kritik that you’ve worked so hard to create and understand to see it fail is painful. But you live and learn and revamp and perfect it, just as you would with anything else. I can’t see a better way to be prepared for life’s miseries (not to be negative or anything). If ever in my life I find something that I enjoyed half as much that prepared me for things in my future then I could not ask for me.  Hopefully more people will realize its importance and fight for it to stay around. For those who were debaters, how has it shaped your life and do you think you would be where you are if you had not decided to participate in it?

The Makings of A Star

Encouragement. Nourishment. Skills. Talent. Potential. Perfection. Greatness. A few qualities that all stars have. In all actuality, it is the qualities that us as human beings have. The only problem is that the majority of us do not tap into these qualities. Everyone has potential to do something but making it into greatness, into perfection is hard. Hard work takes sacrifice and courage in which a lot of us are afraid of. The ability to make executive decisions, as I like to call them, is difficult. The belief in ones talent is also very trying. How does one push past all the negativity; all of the doubt? I struggle with this question on a regular basis. Being a writer comes with certain rules I guess you would call them. Maybe not rules, more so guidelines or suggestions. The belief that ones work is never good is a trait that all writers have, especially the good ones. Never truly knowing your greatness sometimes always plays in your favor. It encourages you to do better, to practice your craft, hone your skills. Every star never stops working, never stops learning. The moment you stop, is the moment you should no longer be doing what you are doing. There is nothing worse than a person who thinks they are great when there is someone out there who is better and is doing it better because they continue learning and growing through their work. We should all strive to be this person even if we think there is nothing in particular we are good at. With practice comes greatness. Along with greatness comes criticism and rejection and disappointment. The hardest thing to deal with is rejection. Most are never prepared for it and it leads to disappointment, anger. This is your motivation, your drive to keep going. We are all naive in the ways of our heart but our head leads us to the path of sensibility. We must be sensible in our actions and thoughts. Things do not happen as we wish them to happen but happen when they are meant to. Greatness takes time. It has been said that (wo)men are not born great but have greatness thrust upon them. We are all stars in the making. At some point we will be great. Allow yourself that thought and go after whatever it is you want. Fear is the enemy. Conquer it. Look past it. All you should see is the stars.

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