Writing What Is Me

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The Assholes of 2012

So, as it is at 2012’s end, I find myself reflecting on the men who came into my life to crush my hopes and dreams. Lol. Some of them did but others were just there to pass the time. Thinking back on it, this year has been really crappy with guys. They’ve all been jerks, which says a lot about where I was at in 2012. So, lets get started shall we?

1) Jermaine- He was a surprise. I met him at work, which, is where I meet most of the guys I date because I spend the majority of my life at work. A drummer and a man of God and black. Which if you know me, the possiblity of me dating a black guy is slim to none. Not quite sure why that is but it is what it is. Anyway, he was a sweet guy. Had his life together and offered to pay off my school debt, which, I stupidly declined. He was my Valentine and he bought me roses and a bottle of Verdi. The Verdi made me angry because, I am not that type of girl. Obviously, he did not know me that well. We became a couple very quickly. I felt pressure to be in it but I knew I wasn’t fully over my ex yet but I did it anyway. I was going through a rough time and he said something to me that was hurtful and I got mad at him for it. He proceeded to not talk to me for 3 days because of it. Needless to say, we did not last. You will not call yourself a grown man (32) and act like a damn child when you don’t like what someone has to say instead of talking about it. My one regret, not letting him pay for school. May sound gold diggerish but it is what it is. The reason why I didn’t was because I did not want to feel like I owed him anything. So in that regard, I am happy. Not about that bill though.

2) Chef Brian- He had me the moment he smiled at me. We worked together which was all types of bad. He made me laugh and was a good guy for the most part. He was in his 40s and divorced with 3 kids. I was basically a passing because we actually had our first date and slept together while he still had a girlfriend, which happens to be the story of my life. Not my best moment, but I’ve grown from all of that. We were good and he taught me some valuable things. He just couldn’t get over our age difference. It was a 16 year age difference so it is understandable. We had fun though. He cooked for me and took me on my first motorcycle ride. He was also a bad boy and played me. We just seemed to slowly fade away especially after I found out he was still with his girlfriend when he told me he broke up with her. Yeah. He was kind of a shitty person but so was I. Shrug.

3) Joseph- This man right here has been the topic of conversation on this blog before. This man is everything that I thought I wanted in a guy. 6’3, perfect smile, amazing body, smart, driven, great in bed. I mean the list continues. Only one problem, he is a jerk. A fucking asshole to be exact. I remember the first time I saw him. I had no idea who he was but we smiled at each other and in my head, “He is really attractive. Too bad he is a tourist.” To my surprise, he was not a tourist. He was actually the Marketing Manager for a company that the company I work for interacts with on a regular basis. I was on it.  Two weeks passed between that initial meeting but I made sure to give him my number when the time was right. A few more weeks passed and then it just so happened that he lost something for work and I helped him find it. That was my in. From that moment we flirted and had exchanges. He had me. I had mini freak outs when I saw him. Sprung was not the word. Til this day, he still makes me weak. Anyway, one day we finally had our outing and we grabbed drinks at a bar. He had just moved to town a month ago so he had yet to find an apartment. He was staying at one of the company’s properties. The bar we were at happened to be across the street. When we finished our drinks, he asked if I would like to come up and then the most unexpected thing happened. Might have been the best sex of 2012. Though, the next day was sexual remorse central. I really liked this one and then that happened. He was a lot stronger than I thought and his advance caught me off guard but I liked it. That was the first and last time his lips touched mine. He owes me dinner and a movie. Maybe I’ll actually get that in 2013. After that, we had sporadic encounters but then he turned into asshole guy and being flaky with plans. I was devafuckingstated. I mean I cried. I was heartbroken. I didn’t understand my feelings since, you know, we weren’t even together. I was up and down in my mood for weeks and then one night, sitting in my apartment, by myself, I realized something. I was sitting at home sulking when this guy could give two shits about my motherfucking feelings. I told myself that I needed to start living my life. So, I did. I joined OkCupid and started taking swim lessons immediately. The funny thing about OkCupid is that you will find people on there that you would never think would be on there. He was one of them. Smh.

4) OkCupid dates- Nothing really important here but it was fun to finally go out and have fun without all of that pressure. There are a lot of creeps on that site but there are a few decent guys. I had a few good first dates but never a second date and that is alright. Most of the guys on OkCupid are looking for a chick to sleep with. Nothing new there. Lol.

5) The Other Joseph otherwise known as Joe- He was one of the first people to message me on OKC but it took us forever to finally have our first date. I kept getting excuse after excuse but when we finally met up, we just clicked. He listened and loved eating as much as I did. Lol. We were good. The only problem was that his job was his life and he let it get in the way of his happiness. I would have been with him but I can’t compete with someone’s job. My only problem with him currently is that he still has some of my things after helping me move. Needless to say, I’m not happy about that. He was an asshole but not on purpose. He fell into it. Either way still an asshole.

6) Matt- The guy that just broke my heart by breaking up with me days before Christmas. I struggle with this break up because even though it was just three months, I loved this one. I thought I was going to marry him. Everyone did for that matter. Even him but then one day he realized that the things that we wanted were not the same and broke up with me. I mean, he was the sweetest guy and helped me whenever I needed it. He sucked at making me feel better when I was down, when I look back at it. Though, one day when I had a crappy day at work he bought me orange roses and walked me home from work. He had me. Sex was great and we never fought until Christmas time. I actually don’t like Christmas and I’m not sure why but maybe because last time I got my heart-broken it was around Christmas. Go figure. I love this person and I miss him. I want him back in my world. I want him to call me and say he was stupid and that he misses me. Yes, I do realize that a few days ago I wrote, Optimism Makes This Easy, which I still believe most of those words. The majority of them. I also understand his reasoning. You can not stay with someone who you know you can never make happy because it is not who you are or what you want. I can’t hate him. I never will. I’m happy we happened and I hope he thinks the same things.We had so many more memories to make. We still can.

My faith in men has been surely tested this year. All of them have done something shitty to me and turned out to be assholes. We are who we attract so I can only be mad at myself. I’ve found myself to be notches in many belts this year. However, I forgive every last one of them. 2012 was my karma. 2013 will be much better because I proclaim it to be. Will I find the love of my life so to speak next year? Maybe. Only if I’m ready. Until then, I’ll have a right on time.

“I’m Going To Fuck You Now.”

“I’m going to fuck you now.” He stated as he looked me  in the eyes with this longing glance. “Nice way to put it Kyle.” Here I was again, encountering a situation that I said I would never let myself go back to. One night stands and heartbreaks is not where I’m at in my life, I proclaimed. I want something real, deeper with true meaning. Suddenly, I’m in a bed with his fingers moving like hummingbird wings on my clit slowly bringing me to that point where I understood why I am laying in this bed having him tell me he wants to fuck me. And fuck me he did.

Lost in Textlation

Writing and pouring out my soul to you on this damn computer, its light shining bright. Too bright. My soul is flowing in these keys with every word that is formed. I know this is the right thing to do. The only way to tell you how I feel. Loving you has never been enough but always been too much. You know that though, or at least I hope you do. All things written should not be new to you but a revelation deep down that you already knew. Finding the right words have never been easy; it isn’t still. However, this can’t go on forever. Love has never been as forthcoming but words to paper flow effortlessly as though I have been destined to do this. Sadly, I know no matter what I say, it is all lost, out of context. Text can never replace the truth flowing from my succulent lips that you long to kiss. But. I’ll do it anyway because the typing of these keys are like music to my fingers, tingling and coursing through every part of me to make it just right no matter how one may interpret, even the one it is intended for. Let me begin.

I hate everything about you for reasons I’m not even sure I can explain. This isn’t that, “Oh I hate you because I love you so much” hate. No, I truly hate you. Bringing to me a world of pain and love that I have never longed for, that I crave to be rid of. A monster was created because of the love that you gave me. I understand, you only gave how you knew but you’re giving was too much and never enough. A hopeless dichotomy. I don’t just blame you, I blame me too. Hating you is so much easier than loving you ever could be.  I created a path of destruction running from the truth. Hurting you so that you would finally be man enough to let me go. Though, you never did or never could. You loved me too much but still your love was never enough. But you already knew that, most of this you already do. Let me tell you something new.

Before we ever became an us, I hated you for not being able to tell me the truth. I knew from the first moment we were together you liked me but, you made it more difficult than it ever had to be. I was used over and over again but really I wasn’t. I felt that way because you couldn’t express yourself when it was so easy for me to. Not just with you but with everyone. I’m forward, I know. I will tell anyone how I feel without a care simply because I don’t give a fuck.

I’ve gotten off track. Let me regain my flow.

I told you things I never meant when they first left my lips because simply I did not know how to handle it. I love you. Three little words that save life’s yet destroys egos and homes but comes when people mean them the least. Yes, the least. Never the most. Can you still follow my text or is it to the point of not making sense? Textulating is what I’m doing but I know that is lost on you. You never could follow my train of thought. Maybe that’s why we never worked or maybe because when I wanted to take you home, you never wanted to already be there waiting for me. When you finally realized it was me that you wanted to take home, I was already gone. As the saying goes, the ones who love us the least are the ones we would die for. You were that for me and I was that for you. We both died when we told ourselves the truth. Always lost in textlation, meaning never truly coming through.

Are You Part of Ain’t Shit Life?

Ain’t shit. At some point we all participate in this life, though we may not want to admit it to ourselves or others. What is ain’t shit life you ask? Well, ain’t shit is when you graduate college and still do college things; when you expect for those bad things to not matter at the end of the day; you sit at home playing X-box all day saying, “Damn, I need a job”; you be in the studio saying you working when we all know you can’t rhyme worth shit; you get wasted every weekend and expect for a good woman to want to be with you (or a man). I could continue to go down the list that classifies as ain’t shit antics but I’ve made my point. I will be the first to admit that I am part of ain’t shit life. I have been for a while now. Most of my friends ain’t shit, that’s why we are friends. We like to do ratchet things in the club, we like to read people for no reason besides it’s funny, you know, the usual ain’t shit antics.

So, I know you are asking yourself, “Why is she even talking about ain’t shit life? What is her point?” Well, let me make it. This post is about relationships, as most of my musings. The other night as I was laying about my bed, I thought about how some of my friends are looking for that lasting type of love, that get married, pop out some kids and grow old type love; myself included. I wondered why love eluded myself and those around me and then it hit me! We are exuding that ain’t shit odor. That not about life existence can be sensed from a mile away, so we attract the same type of people to us. We expect for things to be different but we end up with the same results. Wanting something and actively seeking it, is two very different things. Only when we decide to actively change our ain’t shit antics will the right people infiltrate our life’s and give us what we are searching for.  Does this mean that I should drop the people I hang with? Maybe. Should we acknowledge that we need to change? Absolutely. Will we? That’s debateable.  We know we ain’t shit but, right now, we really just give absolutely no fucks. I mean, we go to the bank every day looking to withdraw some fucks and look, there is none. Deposits on empty and will not be replenished. No over drafting in this bitch. Ever. We will change when being ain’t shit isn’t fun anymore. So ain’t shit life shall live on. For now.

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