LisaMore

Writing What Is Me

Archive for the tag “dating”

One Night Stands and Heartbreaks

So, I’ve been m.i.a over here on Lisa More lately because I’ve been working on a project that is near and dear to me. One Night Stands and Heartbreaks has finally started to take shape. I know I mentioned that it was a book in my 2013 In The House! post but I changed my mind for many reasons. One of them is that I would like to have an on going dialogue about sex, love, and relationships. Lisa More is more personal, whereas, ONSAH is more general. So, I ask if you like my writing here, you go follow my site and engage in conversation with me. One Night Stands and Heartbreaks. Get into it yall!

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The Assholes of 2012

So, as it is at 2012’s end, I find myself reflecting on the men who came into my life to crush my hopes and dreams. Lol. Some of them did but others were just there to pass the time. Thinking back on it, this year has been really crappy with guys. They’ve all been jerks, which says a lot about where I was at in 2012. So, lets get started shall we?

1) Jermaine- He was a surprise. I met him at work, which, is where I meet most of the guys I date because I spend the majority of my life at work. A drummer and a man of God and black. Which if you know me, the possiblity of me dating a black guy is slim to none. Not quite sure why that is but it is what it is. Anyway, he was a sweet guy. Had his life together and offered to pay off my school debt, which, I stupidly declined. He was my Valentine and he bought me roses and a bottle of Verdi. The Verdi made me angry because, I am not that type of girl. Obviously, he did not know me that well. We became a couple very quickly. I felt pressure to be in it but I knew I wasn’t fully over my ex yet but I did it anyway. I was going through a rough time and he said something to me that was hurtful and I got mad at him for it. He proceeded to not talk to me for 3 days because of it. Needless to say, we did not last. You will not call yourself a grown man (32) and act like a damn child when you don’t like what someone has to say instead of talking about it. My one regret, not letting him pay for school. May sound gold diggerish but it is what it is. The reason why I didn’t was because I did not want to feel like I owed him anything. So in that regard, I am happy. Not about that bill though.

2) Chef Brian- He had me the moment he smiled at me. We worked together which was all types of bad. He made me laugh and was a good guy for the most part. He was in his 40s and divorced with 3 kids. I was basically a passing because we actually had our first date and slept together while he still had a girlfriend, which happens to be the story of my life. Not my best moment, but I’ve grown from all of that. We were good and he taught me some valuable things. He just couldn’t get over our age difference. It was a 16 year age difference so it is understandable. We had fun though. He cooked for me and took me on my first motorcycle ride. He was also a bad boy and played me. We just seemed to slowly fade away especially after I found out he was still with his girlfriend when he told me he broke up with her. Yeah. He was kind of a shitty person but so was I. Shrug.

3) Joseph- This man right here has been the topic of conversation on this blog before. This man is everything that I thought I wanted in a guy. 6’3, perfect smile, amazing body, smart, driven, great in bed. I mean the list continues. Only one problem, he is a jerk. A fucking asshole to be exact. I remember the first time I saw him. I had no idea who he was but we smiled at each other and in my head, “He is really attractive. Too bad he is a tourist.” To my surprise, he was not a tourist. He was actually the Marketing Manager for a company that the company I work for interacts with on a regular basis. I was on it.  Two weeks passed between that initial meeting but I made sure to give him my number when the time was right. A few more weeks passed and then it just so happened that he lost something for work and I helped him find it. That was my in. From that moment we flirted and had exchanges. He had me. I had mini freak outs when I saw him. Sprung was not the word. Til this day, he still makes me weak. Anyway, one day we finally had our outing and we grabbed drinks at a bar. He had just moved to town a month ago so he had yet to find an apartment. He was staying at one of the company’s properties. The bar we were at happened to be across the street. When we finished our drinks, he asked if I would like to come up and then the most unexpected thing happened. Might have been the best sex of 2012. Though, the next day was sexual remorse central. I really liked this one and then that happened. He was a lot stronger than I thought and his advance caught me off guard but I liked it. That was the first and last time his lips touched mine. He owes me dinner and a movie. Maybe I’ll actually get that in 2013. After that, we had sporadic encounters but then he turned into asshole guy and being flaky with plans. I was devafuckingstated. I mean I cried. I was heartbroken. I didn’t understand my feelings since, you know, we weren’t even together. I was up and down in my mood for weeks and then one night, sitting in my apartment, by myself, I realized something. I was sitting at home sulking when this guy could give two shits about my motherfucking feelings. I told myself that I needed to start living my life. So, I did. I joined OkCupid and started taking swim lessons immediately. The funny thing about OkCupid is that you will find people on there that you would never think would be on there. He was one of them. Smh.

4) OkCupid dates- Nothing really important here but it was fun to finally go out and have fun without all of that pressure. There are a lot of creeps on that site but there are a few decent guys. I had a few good first dates but never a second date and that is alright. Most of the guys on OkCupid are looking for a chick to sleep with. Nothing new there. Lol.

5) The Other Joseph otherwise known as Joe- He was one of the first people to message me on OKC but it took us forever to finally have our first date. I kept getting excuse after excuse but when we finally met up, we just clicked. He listened and loved eating as much as I did. Lol. We were good. The only problem was that his job was his life and he let it get in the way of his happiness. I would have been with him but I can’t compete with someone’s job. My only problem with him currently is that he still has some of my things after helping me move. Needless to say, I’m not happy about that. He was an asshole but not on purpose. He fell into it. Either way still an asshole.

6) Matt- The guy that just broke my heart by breaking up with me days before Christmas. I struggle with this break up because even though it was just three months, I loved this one. I thought I was going to marry him. Everyone did for that matter. Even him but then one day he realized that the things that we wanted were not the same and broke up with me. I mean, he was the sweetest guy and helped me whenever I needed it. He sucked at making me feel better when I was down, when I look back at it. Though, one day when I had a crappy day at work he bought me orange roses and walked me home from work. He had me. Sex was great and we never fought until Christmas time. I actually don’t like Christmas and I’m not sure why but maybe because last time I got my heart-broken it was around Christmas. Go figure. I love this person and I miss him. I want him back in my world. I want him to call me and say he was stupid and that he misses me. Yes, I do realize that a few days ago I wrote, Optimism Makes This Easy, which I still believe most of those words. The majority of them. I also understand his reasoning. You can not stay with someone who you know you can never make happy because it is not who you are or what you want. I can’t hate him. I never will. I’m happy we happened and I hope he thinks the same things.We had so many more memories to make. We still can.

My faith in men has been surely tested this year. All of them have done something shitty to me and turned out to be assholes. We are who we attract so I can only be mad at myself. I’ve found myself to be notches in many belts this year. However, I forgive every last one of them. 2012 was my karma. 2013 will be much better because I proclaim it to be. Will I find the love of my life so to speak next year? Maybe. Only if I’m ready. Until then, I’ll have a right on time.

Love At the Doorstep

As Corrinne Bailey Rae “Trouble Sleeping” is playing, my fear comes bubbling to the top

She sings, ” I won’t say I’m falling in love”

Don’t tell me I’m falling in love.

I’m not myself.

But those three little words can not escape my lips.

Love is chasing me and I refuse to let it in.

I don’t want to fall in love though I’ve expressed on occasion that I do.

Love scares me because it becomes about us instead of I.

Selfishness is my best friend.

Sorry love but I just can’t let you in.

Even though I haven’t been myself because love is at my doorstep.

Fuck You Falling! Again!

I can honestly say this just might be a Halloween to remember. Not for any good reason, but because I put myself out there and then he tells me his fears. He’s not sure if he wants to be with one person. I mean that’s cool but if you don’t want to be with just one person, why in the hell would you agree to be someone’s boyfriend. And exclusive at that. I’m just unsure of how to handle this. The only thing I can do is withdraw completely. I’m not entirely emotionally invested but I was getting there. I mean, of course I have fears about the future and whether or not we should continue but I throw caution to the wind because I believe in “love”. I believe in doing things that scare you, that challenge you, that make you into a better person. However, I do have a tendency to be hasty about things because I am a in the moment type of person. I’m trying not to be that person today. I just need time. He obviously needs time. Fuck. I hate this. This is why I’m not a fan of fucking falling!

Fuck You. I’m Expressive.

There are many things over the course of my 26 years that I have to come to realize but none as freeing and heartbreaking as my realization last night. When I was 19, I met this guy who was everything to me but he was different from all the others. We both were crazy about each other. He was in New Orleans for two days and before he left he made sure to tell me how he felt and that he wanted to keep talking to me. He lived in Chicago and was 25. We were so smitten with each other. We even planned our future together. Then I did something absolutely crazy and out-of-pocket. I got all emotional and started making a problem out of nothing because he didn’t answer the phone. I left a poem on his voicemail. It freaked him out. Never the same after that. It hurt my feelings but at the same time I shouldn’t have done that. This guy I thought was everything quickly became nothing. That one moment, forever changed everything about me. I stopped writing poetry. It was my release from all things in life and I did it everyday. After that situation, I blamed poetry, my writing, for the downfall of the man who was supposed to be my future husband. I no longer yearned or craved the pen and paper like before. Writing became sporadic and unfocused. I developed anxiety. It took so long to let him guy, truly let him go. It’s taking a lot of me to be truthful and honest that a guy had that much control over me but I was 19. Young and dumb. Love was all I wanted but his love was not what I deserved.I’m happy I realized that even if it took almost 10 years.

I’m one for my life experiences being a lesson for others as well as myself. Many other relationships have happened and have slayed me but none like this. I’ve finally allowed myself to forgive and forget. I’ve forgiven those who do not know how to fully express themselves. Expression is harder than most people realize. I can’t be mad or fault someone because they don’t know how. If it is important, they will find a way for that expression to happen. I will no longer apologize for being expressive of how I feel, even if others don’t understand it. It is who I am. I can no longer expect to be great based off the idea of what greatness is from others. At 26, I can finally say “Fuck You. I’m Expressive.”

The Future Us.

We’ve all been there, that moment when you are with someone and instead of using the word I, he/she says us. Fireworks go off overhead and the future flashes before your eyes. But, does the use of the word us actually mean someone is thinking long-term? Do we hear us and think long-term, serious relationship? The answer for most women is yes. Us pops out of a man’s mouth, then it must be real. However, I’m a firm believer that all usage of the term us is not created equal. I decided to ask three of my male friends if this is true and the answers were spot on but slightly surprising.

Male one said that any man who uses us in a future scenario definitely sees a future with the lady and would only use us if he is serious about the relationship.

Male two said the same thing but that there were exceptions. Those exceptions were if they were business partnerships/personal relationships, which is completely understandable.

Their answers were the typical answers and the answers I was looking for but the last male is the reason why all usages of the word us is not made equal. He said,” just because someone uses the word us in a future scenario means they are just using an example and that it does not determine whether or not he is serious about the relationship or the lady”. It really depends on the context of the usage, which makes sense and I could not argue with that. Sometimes, we as women look into things too deeply and assume that the use of a word or the giving of a key (I’ll explain this below) means so much more than it actually does. If a man is serious about a woman, he will tell her. He will not beat around the bush and give mixed signals, he will be straight forward and truthful. Stop allowing for your mind and your homegirl to define what your relationship is or should be. Same goes for males as well.

I also brought up the key issue, which seems to be a much bigger issue than any other. In my past and my present I’ve had to deal with the key issue. In my past, I had the key to his apartment but he did not have a key to mine. I never saw it as a big deal to have a key to his place or for him to have one to mine. He did not see it that way. He was in his feelings about the issue and it meant that I did not trust him. To me, that was not the case. I just like my privacy. Having a key to him was that we were serious about each other and we had a future.

Cut to the present and new man in my life, I have a key to his place but he does not have a key to mine. He does not want one to my place and he does not believe that my having a key to his apartment signifies anything more than he trust me. I never thought it signified that. I do agree that it shows how much he trust me and now that I see it from a different point of view, I did not trust my past. I expected him to invade my privacy and that says a lot about that relationship but I digress.

Point is this, stop looking for everything to have a deeper meaning. Our generation is royalty when it comes to passive action emotion. There are times we expect for others to understand by our actions and never our words or vice versa. Why is it so rare to have our words and actions meet in the right place? Is it because we fear what would become of our words in action or action in words? A man nor a woman should never be left guessing and deciding what the relationship is on their own based off of actions and/or words alone. Conversations and communication are meant to happen so people don’t get hurt. Yes, I know, easier said than done but it can happen. You have to be true to yourself and the rest will follow. If you just want something in particular like, to have sex, let it be known, you just might be surprised by the return answer. Not everything has to be so serious but it will be once someone gets in their feelings and that is the last thing anyone needs. The truth will set you free for a reason and communication is key to the truth and freedom.

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