Writing What Is Me

Archive for the tag “hurt”

Saving Grace

So, here I am not sure about how I feel.
I’m crying but I don’t know why.
I don’t feel sad
I’m not mad
I’m hurt.
Hurt by the deceitfulness that he brought into my world.
My saving grace is never knowing what we could of been.
What we should of been.
This will take time to trust again.
To give myself to someone who deserves every part of me and doesn’t run at the first sign of trouble.
This was not love, not on his part.
Every word, every feeling, every touch was just a mini heartbreak.
The only thing that will get me through is my saving grace.

Let It Flow

I have a bad tendency of having my feelings get in the way of letting things flow. I become standoffish and act like the person I’m with is just a friend. It’s my defense mechanism. I don’t like letting people in and when I do, I’m unsure if it was the right move or not. This is where I am today. I’m more comfortable telling random people how I work than one’s I love. I want to end things because I’m not okay with how uncomfortable it is making me, not him. I didn’t mean for those words to come out. I really didn’t. I want to take them back. I’m not in love. I can’t be in love. I won’t be in love. I am scared. More scared than I have ever been. I never thought I would be afraid to be in love. To have someone have my back and I have his. For it to be an us instead of I. I’m serious about him being serious about me but I don’t know if I’m serious about him being serious about me. I want to end this, call it quits. I am that scared. Yet somehow, he still makes me want to stick around. That’s a good sign. When he makes you see the fear but don’t allow for it to consume you and stop you from doing what is right, that is love. I’m starting to slowly embrace it but there are still those moments when I question it’s validity. I question whether his love is real because it’s new to me. Because I have never experienced love in that way. Maybe I should just shut up about it and let it flow.

The Defeat of Love

Just another statement set upon those lips of impeding destruction causing for in-depth self-reflection

Fighting my feelings of joy and like because I’m afraid of how it feels to let my emotions take control of this flow

Fear consumes my essence. Being no longer being when I’m falling into the depths of this hell.

Don’t bring me back there. I can’t fight my way back to the light that needs me.

Don’t feed me words of hope and love when despair is all you are capable of.

Searching for something that will never be there.

Missing pieces that are forever misplaced. Kisses and hugs will never/can never take their place.

Fuck you and this situation. I hate the look of per ecstasy upon your face while I’m bruised by the touch of your skin.

But it won’t end.

The love always beckons me again.

Raw Sex

Blanket exposure that has me naked, exploding with delight

Fire in the background reaching for me to allow for my wood to ignite

Raw down to the inner depths of being; searching for that internal fight to begin. 

Tingling senses of overwhelming pleasure are gaining control

Fists of flying rage are making an edge to be on top

Choking, biting and scratching intertwine with kissing, caressing, and passion. 

Free from those chains of hurt and anger 

Bliss is on the horizon.





Elle Varner- “Refill” has been playing on repeat in my head for the past three days. Besides the fact it is an extremely catchy song, there is just something about thinking about a guy who turns you into a chatty Kathy. There is also the guy who makes you feel like you have not one right word to say. I’ve had both situations happen and it is the most nerve-wracking yet exhilarating experience. I live for moments like those. The excitement you get when you meet someone and he gives you butterflies every time you see him is fun at first but then you hate it. The guy has so much control over you and all you can think about is does he feel the same way about me? Why doesn’t he come over and talk to me when he sees me? I know he is checking for me. Man, the list goes on and on. It is the most annoying thing that females do. We give the guy way too much control over us early on. He senses that shit and runs away immediately. Yet, we keep doing it. We try to tell ourselves that we have learned from all of the mistakes in the past but we don’t. We like to get a refill in ways that are dangerous for our health and well-being. I know Elle was talking in about a positive, joyous refill but most of the time that refill never needs to happen. Sometimes an empty cup is exactly what we need.

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