Writing What Is Me

Archive for the tag “motivation”

2013 In The House!

2013 is here! It is scary and exciting at the same time. I haven’t really taken any stock in new year’s resolutions in the past but I think I am going to actually give them a for real shot this 2013. The thing about resolutions and the reason why most people fail is because they are too vague. I can’t just say I am going to workout more in 2013. I will surely fail. It needs to be a real attainable goal. So, that’s what I’m doing. Throughout the year, I will write about how close I am to accomplishing or have accomplished my resolutions in 2013. Let’s all be an encouragement to each other and get started!

1) Be able to run 20 miles by the end of the year- I have never been one to run not unless I have to. I ran track in high school but goodness, that was almost 10 years ago. Yikes! So, I signed up for the Color Me Rad 5k this year and I have until May 11th to get my ass in shape to do this thing! I’ve convinced some friends to do it with me so I’m looking forward to being in shape and running for the fun of it! Plus, that rush you feel after having a great run is like ecstasy.

2) Finish writing One Night Stands and Heartbreaks- I have so many different books I’ve started but never ever finished. One Night Stands is the book that I revisit after every heartbreak and I need to finally finish it. Heartbreak or no heartbreak. What I envision it to be is the book that people pick up when they are hurt or when they need a good laugh about relationships. Just a fun read that is enlightening at the same time. I also want to be on the New York Times Bestsellers List by the time I’m 30. That is not that far away so it’s now or never.

3) Have an agent by the end of the year- I dream about being a published author but I have yet to take any steps to actually getting there. I always let other things get in the way. Making excuses, like “I’m too busy” or “I’m tired”. Well, no more. Once book one is done, then the hard work really begins. Securing an agent is step one so this is the year to make it happen.

4) Participate in the Homeric Writers’ Retreat and Workshop- I have been in love with Greece for the longest and have been itching to go visit for a long time. This retreat is the excuse I need to make it there. The only thing stopping me from making it happen is money but I am going to do whatever I can to make this the year of spoken dreams.

5) Finish paying off college- I’ve been out of school for way too long to still have to pay back these people and I resolve to have it done by the end of this year. I actually would like to go to grad school at some point so this is a must.

I probably have more resolutions but these are the most important to me. I could add win the lottery but I resolve for that to happen every year. lol. The year is always what you make it and I affirm all of these things to be true. Let’s get started!

Oh No! I’m Falling!

I’ve fallen completely behind with NaNoWriMo but I am determined to catch up. Catching up consists of writing about 15,000 words this weekend. I think it’s doable. I would prefer to not do that but I decided to be social and have fallen off the wagon. Hard. I need writing motivation people! The fatigue is setting in and I’m not sure I can get past it. Not to mention I’m being hormonal and emotional which is getting in the way of my being productive because I just get angry instead of being rational. Blah! Anywho, here is to getting back in track with the writing on my blog and working on the novel everyday. Until next time.

Fuck You. I’m Expressive.

There are many things over the course of my 26 years that I have to come to realize but none as freeing and heartbreaking as my realization last night. When I was 19, I met this guy who was everything to me but he was different from all the others. We both were crazy about each other. He was in New Orleans for two days and before he left he made sure to tell me how he felt and that he wanted to keep talking to me. He lived in Chicago and was 25. We were so smitten with each other. We even planned our future together. Then I did something absolutely crazy and out-of-pocket. I got all emotional and started making a problem out of nothing because he didn’t answer the phone. I left a poem on his voicemail. It freaked him out. Never the same after that. It hurt my feelings but at the same time I shouldn’t have done that. This guy I thought was everything quickly became nothing. That one moment, forever changed everything about me. I stopped writing poetry. It was my release from all things in life and I did it everyday. After that situation, I blamed poetry, my writing, for the downfall of the man who was supposed to be my future husband. I no longer yearned or craved the pen and paper like before. Writing became sporadic and unfocused. I developed anxiety. It took so long to let him guy, truly let him go. It’s taking a lot of me to be truthful and honest that a guy had that much control over me but I was 19. Young and dumb. Love was all I wanted but his love was not what I deserved.I’m happy I realized that even if it took almost 10 years.

I’m one for my life experiences being a lesson for others as well as myself. Many other relationships have happened and have slayed me but none like this. I’ve finally allowed myself to forgive and forget. I’ve forgiven those who do not know how to fully express themselves. Expression is harder than most people realize. I can’t be mad or fault someone because they don’t know how. If it is important, they will find a way for that expression to happen. I will no longer apologize for being expressive of how I feel, even if others don’t understand it. It is who I am. I can no longer expect to be great based off the idea of what greatness is from others. At 26, I can finally say “Fuck You. I’m Expressive.”

The Dance

There are days I want to sit at my computer with the click of the keys as music to my ears writing something insanely profound.

Most days I fail.

Am I even profound enough to be, well, profound?

Does my wanting to be profound classify as profoundness?

Or am I chasing an unattainable dream? A desire to be great, to reach the masses and change their view of the world.

Is this what I’m seeking and claiming it to be profundity?

Is that not profundity as its best?

The ability to delve deep into the crevices of a mind to extract a seed as small as atoms and neurons floating in our atmosphere

To water that seed into a full blown idea that is molded and crafted to into a tangible entity.

We seek nothing more than profoundness when we are all profound everyday

Getting out your dreams is a deeper thought than can ever be expressed

Do not mistake your voice for ghosts

For ghosts are only fragments; intangible pieces of truth.

Never mistake your truth with the lies that are feed by those who do not understand the profundity of the dance.


New Orleans is more than heartbreak

New Orleans, a city that is known for its partying ways but also, unfortunately, its crime rate as well, is certainly on its way to being the murder capital of this country. If it is not all ready. As the city continues to get back to pre-K levels,the crime steadily climbs back to the top of the charts it once occupied. It was scary to realize that on the 13th day of January there had already been 11 murders, not including a suspect shot by police after a high-speed chase. 13 days into 2012 and the violence has swept the city, and it has not stopped. Citizens of New Orleans ask the question, “what can be done to take back our city from crime,violence, and murder?”

There is not an easy answer nor is there an answer that will give us an immediate solution. The blame has to be put on someone for letting things get so bad but who? Do we blame the mayor, who has words of wisdom but no real action plan? Do we blame the chief of police, who though has brought us a long way and cleaned up most of the NOPD still can’t seem to ever get his story straight and make excuses? Do we blame the parents, who ignore their children or even introduce them to the violent ways that end their life’s all too soon? Do we blame the teachers, who no longer invest time and energy into saving our youth and being that inspiration? Do we blame ourselves for allowing it to get this bad and not giving back to our community to encourage a different set of values and behavior?

Honestly, we must blame all of those above. We have allowed for it to get this bad by being complacent and accepting of practices that should have long ceased to happen. The crime rate increases everyday, along with the murder rate, and the number of funerals in the city. I’ve heard so many people say that they have been to more funerals than any other gathering. Normalcy here should not be murder and racism but unity and growth. We have to take responsibility for our actions and the influence it has had on our children. They deserve better.

This city, is becoming more than what it ever could have been in the past. This city is moving forward after it was condemned by its country. New Orleans will no longer be about the great divide. We have come too far to see it still be a black and white issue, a death and murder issue. This is not just a government issue, but a societal and humane one. Fathering and mothering our children is what needs to be the main focus. We can not allow for the youth of today to be raised by tv and video games. The youth cannot and should not be afraid to play  in their own backyards because of the violence in their area. Their cries need to be heard and they should hurt your heart. Tears should sting your face from anger, pain, hurt. This should cause for a movement, a radical change in our society and the way we view it. Violence, murder, crime, unfairness and racism will continue to exist when we continue to look at situations as a race/class issue and not a human issue. We all have to be a voice for a generation. A positive voice that will create change and productivity.

I Am Lisa More.

Procrastination. We all do it at some point or another. Some more than others but either way it is a killer. Killer of time, of production, of quality just to name a few. Sitting here, I reflect back on my younger days when procrastination was not even in my vocabulary. I literally was so focused I got everything done. I did pretty well in school to the point of getting anything less than an A made me cry. (I’ve always sucked at math. blah!) Singing was my life so I sang and practiced everyday. My friends and I even created a girl group that of course went no where but we were just kids anyway. I always wondered why I never hung out with a lot of people as a child and it was because I was so focused on doing well in school that all that other stuff did not matter. I would rather sing, get lost in music, or read a book than enjoy the company of people some times. I’m still that way for the most part but then I moved away from Alabama and everything I had ever known. The pace of the South is so different than the Midwest, I had no idea how to handle it. I cried so much my freshman year of high school because I missed everything about Alabama and Ohioans have a tendency to be extremely rude.

My freshman year, I was focused but then that summer before heading off to the high school changed everything about me. The rest of my high school years did not see the best  grades or best effort from me. I had a lot on my plate from debate to track to trying to find time to hang out with friends and be a normal high school student. I got a little boy crazy, in which, I guess, I’ve always been that way. I let myself turn into someone I never thought I would be, a struggle artist. It was a struggle to get anything done and I always had an excuse for something, still do it to this day. (And unfortunately all throughout my college career.) I realize it and acknowledge it but can’t stop it. Can’t is not the proper word, more like won’t. The days where there is way too much to get done but every part of me says naw, there is always another day, another hour to get it done. This is the reason why I fail. I am a failure because I allow myself to be. Can I change this about myself, of course but will I? Can I let go of saying in one minute I’ll get out of bed so I won’t be late for work? Can I stop saying I’m not in the mood to write when I have so much to say? Can I stop feeling like my words mean nothing, when they mean something to me if no one else? Yes. Yes. And yes.

I always get so jealous of those people who have known since they were little what they loved doing and went after it. I’ve always been afraid of what I can do. I don’t have the  potential to be great, I am great. And I know what it is that I am destined to do. I’ve always known since I was a child. I was always a creator. I had mad imaginary friends and wrote everyday. I got lost in music and loved. These have been constants in my life and yet I question what I’m meant to do? How could I not see what I’ve been searching for all of this time? I’ve listened to too many of the people around me about how I will never accomplish anything. That doubt is real in my mind and that little doubt will make me fail every time. The time for doubting and procrastination is through. I’ve met people who I will never forget but they will forget me as soon as I leave the room. This has been my plight since I was a child. A forgettable face with a forgettable voice. This voice will no longer be forgettable even if you never know who I am.

A long road is ahead but I will take it one step at a time. Someone asked,”how would you like to be remembered?” And honestly if people had to remember me as I am now, I would be ashamed. Am I bad person? No, but I can do better and be better. That is always the goal, do better to be better. My favorite thing to tell anyone is, “Forget all that scary stuff and just do it.” It is as simple as that.

D is for Debate

When I was in high school my life was consumed by one thing, policy debate. I’m not quite sure where I would be if I had not decided to participate in debate. It shaped who I am today and I have recently learned that the activity that made me fall in love with philosophy and help me find the university I went to even is on the brink of being shut down. It hurts my soul. Debate was the most useful tool I ever had the pleasure of participating in. My analytical skills, ability to think on my feet, get over my shyness, become a better public speaker, better annunciation, strike fear in my classmates with my speed reading skills and ability to conceive an argument all happened because of debate. What exactly is policy debate? According to Wikipedia, Policy debate is a form of research-based speech competition in which teams of two advocate for and against a resolution that typically calls for policy change by the United States federal government. It is also referred to as cross-examination debate (sometimes shortened to Cross-X, CX, or C-X) because of the 3-minute questioning period following each constructive speech. Affirmative teams generally present a plan as a proposal for implementation of the resolution. The negative will generally prove that it would be better not to do the plan or that the opportunity costs to the plan are so great that it should not be implemented.

Another more fun explanation from the Urban Dictionary defines it as:

An obscure cult with its own distinct language understood only by members. The members speak incredibly quickly and think even faster. They tend to also be motivated students and often exhibit a mild form of OCD.

Such debaters engage in conversation with each other on a much higher level than the average human, both in and out of round. The student government and honor roll within a school typically consist mostly of debaters. 80% of congress debated in high school.

Membership in the cult lasts from 9th grade through 12th grade and sometimes through college, but the mannerisms and knowledge gained from it manifest themselves in all aspects of the current or former debater’s life for the better.

Policy debate kicks aff.

I spent all last weekend hitting people, cutting and spewing. We broke and all the judges picked me up, but this one lay judge dropped me. I also got top speaks. Now I’m going to do uniqueness updates for my disad, then cut some a2 perm cards on the counterplan and come up with a kritikal aff so I can win framework.

I finally mastered the pen flip!

Policy debate is SHITS (Significance, Harms, Inherency, Topicality, Solvency)

If you understood all the above, you’re a policy debater

The reason why I used the Urban Dictionary version is because that is exactly how debaters think and how we would describe it. It is like a cult simply because an outsider won’t understand it. The language involved alone is enough not to mention our sense of humor is a little off. That seems to be the problem with policy debate for some is that it is a little too exclusive. It is hard to convince kids to stick with it because of how much work it is but that is the best part. Also, kids get discouraged when they keep losing but it is not all about winning. There is joy in losing, though not easily seen in the moment. These loses prepare for future setbacks and heartbreaks believe me. After spending so much time working on a case and learning it in and out and losing a round or being the negative and running a kritik that you’ve worked so hard to create and understand to see it fail is painful. But you live and learn and revamp and perfect it, just as you would with anything else. I can’t see a better way to be prepared for life’s miseries (not to be negative or anything). If ever in my life I find something that I enjoyed half as much that prepared me for things in my future then I could not ask for me.  Hopefully more people will realize its importance and fight for it to stay around. For those who were debaters, how has it shaped your life and do you think you would be where you are if you had not decided to participate in it?

The Makings of A Star

Encouragement. Nourishment. Skills. Talent. Potential. Perfection. Greatness. A few qualities that all stars have. In all actuality, it is the qualities that us as human beings have. The only problem is that the majority of us do not tap into these qualities. Everyone has potential to do something but making it into greatness, into perfection is hard. Hard work takes sacrifice and courage in which a lot of us are afraid of. The ability to make executive decisions, as I like to call them, is difficult. The belief in ones talent is also very trying. How does one push past all the negativity; all of the doubt? I struggle with this question on a regular basis. Being a writer comes with certain rules I guess you would call them. Maybe not rules, more so guidelines or suggestions. The belief that ones work is never good is a trait that all writers have, especially the good ones. Never truly knowing your greatness sometimes always plays in your favor. It encourages you to do better, to practice your craft, hone your skills. Every star never stops working, never stops learning. The moment you stop, is the moment you should no longer be doing what you are doing. There is nothing worse than a person who thinks they are great when there is someone out there who is better and is doing it better because they continue learning and growing through their work. We should all strive to be this person even if we think there is nothing in particular we are good at. With practice comes greatness. Along with greatness comes criticism and rejection and disappointment. The hardest thing to deal with is rejection. Most are never prepared for it and it leads to disappointment, anger. This is your motivation, your drive to keep going. We are all naive in the ways of our heart but our head leads us to the path of sensibility. We must be sensible in our actions and thoughts. Things do not happen as we wish them to happen but happen when they are meant to. Greatness takes time. It has been said that (wo)men are not born great but have greatness thrust upon them. We are all stars in the making. At some point we will be great. Allow yourself that thought and go after whatever it is you want. Fear is the enemy. Conquer it. Look past it. All you should see is the stars.

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