Incoherent- A Failure of Dreams.
This post may be more suited for my getoutmydirtylaundry blog but essentially this blog and that one are one in the same. Just a timeline of my life. I’m going to be honest and say that I feel used. Nah, let’s rephrase that. I WAS used. I let myself be led down that road that I no longer wanted to be on. I saw myself floating away from all of the responsibility in my life, from all of the fear. Going back to things that I swore to leave behind. I promised myself, constantly told myself that I had changed but I was wrong. I am still the same person who wants to be dirty but can’t or rather now I’m ashamed, afraid of who will read it,see it, act upon it. I’ve censored myself. It is for the best I keep telling myself. I do not want it to define me but it is a definition of who I am. I have lost that spark, that fire that ignites others. Instead I’ve become part of the crowd. A slave to the ways of convention. I dread what I love and only do it out of necessity because I happen to be good at it. This a mix of it. A gumbo but the roux is bad. This isn’t really coherent but I don’t tend to make sense. This isn’t for you. No, really it is not. I’m just getting lost in my thoughts. Tabula Rasa, a blank slate they say. This is my slate that I use to escape when the pain is too great and I’m trying to compensate by dreaming my wishes to life. I fail. I am a failure of dreams. My dreams are failing me or is it I failing my dreams allowing reality to win. Reality is only as real as you make it. My dreams are now becoming my reality and my reality dreams. Things I wish to be unseen. I scream. No one hears me. No one hears me.