Writing What Is Me


When I started this blog, my first true post was about love and how much I loved it and how you shouldn’t be afraid to go after it. Well, the time has come for me to do a little 180. I realized after this week that I am extremely afraid of love and everything that comes along with it. Maybe I should not say love but rather relationships and what comes along with being in a relationship. Something unexpected happened on Monday night/Tuesday morning that has me bent out of shape. It was amazing but something just stuck with me and it did not feel right. I started to feel afraid and I came to the conclusion that I had been out of the pool way too long. I used to not get attached when certain situations happened and now I can not separate the feelings from sexual situations. I’m down right shaking in my boots scared. One offs or one night stands, if you will, destroy my spirit. I do not know how to handle that situation. I used to but can’t anymore. Why? Because marriage is way too constant of a thought. It shouldn’t be or should it? It seems all women get to a certain age where they feel as though they must be married and find a mate to procreate with or just have mad crazy rampant sex. Granted, both of these things can happen without marriage but where is the meaning, the deeper connection? Do I think that there can be a deep meaningful connection without marriage? Of course and if I find it I will be hard pressed to keep it. However, I still want to be married and experience that life. I go back and forth about it but in the end, I realize I want it. Is it really a present thought? Not really or at least I think it isn’t. I do have a tendency though to look at my ring finger and ask, “where is my ring?” Do I do this because I’m itching for a wedding ring? No. I do it because I used to have a promise ring I wore on that finger that was stolen from a hotel and now I don’t wear anything on that hand. It feels uber weird so alas I itch for a replacement. This marriage feeling is scary and contributes to the fear I feel. Am I thinking about it too much? Possibly. Too much thinking and not enough living. I was doing good until I got brought back to a situation that I thought I had left in last year. I was mistaken. Apparently I still love him but I know he is not good for me. Well, more so he does not love me the way that I need him to and what is a girl supposed to do with that? I love him more than I probably should and I would wait for him but he has yet to show me that he really wants to be with me. Words can only go so far.  I’ve learned my lesson and so now I’m stressing over finding someone new. Do I want someone new? Eh, not really but until things change, I have to do what is best for me. I thought I had found someone new a couple of times but the timing is not right. Other parts of my life are looking up but this fear is causing me to dwell on relationships and love when all I need is the flow. All things happen in due time and I have to let the fear dissipate before I can be with my mate.


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