Writing What Is Me


I’ve been struggling with the idea of love recently. It is easy to say I love you but harder to mean it, to show it. I love easily and hard because I don’t know how to love otherwise. Along the love road I’ve been on, I lost sight of myself and my values; essentially what makes me, well me.

I haven’t felt myself since 2004 really. I’ll put a year on it because that is when I LIVED life. I kissed many, danced until the sun came up, broke hearts, had my heart broken, failed, and conquered. I’ve come back to that in 2011 and feel alive again but something that happened in the years between is haunting me.

I let myself become a victim. I let fear rule me and kill my spirit. I became anxious and afraid to let love run its course. I am not going to blame anyone else for these events. I blame myself simply because I let outside forces change my core, what made me tick, what made me love me.

Tonight, while listening to Marsha Ambrosious and Adele, I realized something. I had lost myself. I was anxious over things I should not be anxious over. I longed for things that have always been available to me. I have to trust in my soul that Love never fails and it has never failed me. When love is true and genuine you feel it. I’ve felt it and loved every minute of it.

Anxiety stems from when one feels there is no control over a situation, you are afraid and can’t find a way to push it away. I’m afraid not that I am unworthy of love but that I will get hurt. But with love comes pain sometimes, even if it is not intentional. I want things to be perfect; for the things I’m feeling to be returned; for another person to SHOW me how much they want me but that should happen naturally.

Even when a person is showing and/or telling how important you are, you are skeptical. You’re putting negativity into the Universe because you are afraid that love is a game. If you believe love to be a game then you will always get played. When you see love for what it is and what it can be then you will never get played.

You always feel when a moment or a person is right. You know it and you should NEVER ignore it. You also know when something is wrong. NEVER underestimate that feeling.

I know for a fact that I’m OVERREACTING because of what other people are telling me or what I’m reading from others. Whatever happens, happens is my philosophy that I try really hard to adhere by and obviously I’m failing. Situations happen and people happen, you just have to take it for what it is with no expectations.

I know what I’m saying is not new but everyone needs to be reminded sometimes. Losing yourself happens but at some point, you have to come back from your vacation. My plane just landed and all I can see is the sun shining ahead.


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